every little bump in the road i tried to swerve

people are people, and sometimes, it doesn't work out.

on the road that is my life, 

it seems as though as soon as i fill one major pot hole

two smaller ones have a habit of popping up in it's place.

it's not to say that these new problems are insurmountable, 

but it's getting to the point 

where there are all these smaller holes keep cropping up,

too quickly to be filled it or avoided.

i'm not like other 19 year olds,

there are several reasons for this, 

the most immediate one as of late being:

that on any given morning,

instead of be woken up by the alarm on my phone,

there is a very real change that i'll be jolted awake

by the prods of my father,

telling me that my mother,

(who gave away her oxygen machine)

didn't wake up when he went in to talk to her that day.

or the panicked movement of my father,

informing me that my mom has had one of her blackouts,

only this time she didn't just hit a wall or the floor

but instead clipped a table or chair.

there's even the chance that neither one will be home,

and they'll have gotten into a car accident ,

(a scenario that seems more and more plausible as they approach 70)

one they simply couldn't walk away from.

because of the feasibility of any one of these situations, 

i have to be ready at any given moment,

to live my life without my them,

which means that these small pot holes,

become daunting and intimidating.

a long time ago

i became determined not to be blindsided by the loss of my parents.

as such i've been trying to mentally prepare,

but as they get older,

and i remain incapable of dealing with my issues;

i'm beginning to see that knowing it's coming,

and be ready for the events in question

are two very different things.

but instead of dealing with it out right,

my tactic of choice these days

seems to be avoidance.

i'm passing the flashing "END OF HIGHWAY" sign,

speeding past the "last exit"

and the only hope i have at this point

is that my road turns into a surface street

and doesn't just dead end.

p.s.

i never was very good with extended metaphors.

as such, i'll probably re-write this when i'm feeling more clear.

spoiler alert:

it'll probably be re-worked into a hyperbolic drowning sequence.

the tv's still on

if i were dying;

and my mother found out.

i would have to comfort her.

i love them with all my heart, 

with everything i have inside of me;

but my parents had no business being parents.

if you've seen no good at saying sorry then you know,

this is why grey's anatomy means so much to me.

i'm a terrible person

okay, so my dad NEVER complains like EVER about anything,

and we're sure he's always in a reasonable amount of pain,

(he's had trouble walking for at least a year)

and today he's staying in bed not wanting to do anything

(he had three "accidents" yesterday and  couple already today)

he's got a doctor's appointment tomorrow

none of this is why i'm terrible, 

that's coming

yesterday i was watching grey's anatomy

and if you watch the show you know meridith's mother,

she has alzheimer's, 

and doesn't have the slightest idea most of the time who meridith is,

well, they brought her into the hospital,

 where meredith works,

 they're rolling her in,

and she's just screaming

she doesn't know who anyone is,

 and she's fighting everyone,

 and just screaming at Meredith to leave, 

yelling for her to leave,

"WHAT DID I TELL YOU, 'NEVER BOTHER ME AT WORK!'."

i kind lost it,

like instant tears,

only for a second,

but it was this intense burst of crippling sadness,

and it kinda freaked me out

later in the episode,

 she finds out her mom might have liver cancer,

 and hopes secretly that she does

only she's wracked with guilt

 because 

"what kind of person wishes their mother had cancer?"

i'm terrible because he's my father,,

and i hope that tomorrow at the appointment,

they find something that means he has to go to the hospital,

and then at the hospital,

they find something they would have to operate on,

and because both my parents hearts are shot,

during his last triple bypass, 

(yes there were others),

he had a stroke,

(thus the trouble walking),

and he was a vegetative state for three whole days,

surgery would kill him,

but then he would get to die on the table,

in his sleep...

i wouldn't have to watch him fall apart,

it's already starting,

 and i know i can't do it,

i can't watch him slowly die,

 and so i hope there's something wrong with him.

 that's terrible to hope for anyone,

let alone your father.

i can't help wishing it though,

 a series of events that would lead to a painless death,

he started laughing at my jokes the other day,

and asking me how i felt,

he's never done either.

he doesn't laugh at ANYTHING other than cops,

and that's only when it's really funny.

and he never asks anyone how they feel

and would never answer the question himself,

with any answer other than fine.

and now, today, he felt horrible.

i saw the look in my dad's face,

 when we would visit his mother,

she only knew who he was part of the time,

it slowly ripped him apart.

i also sat in the car with my mom,

after we visited my grandfather in the facility.

he couldn't breathe on his own for 4 years before he died.

she would just sob silently,

they were almost 50 when it happened to them.

i can't do it,

not now,

not at 19.

i've made up my mind, no need to think it over

so i haven't posted here in a while and i'm super upset about it.

between trying to make regular videos and the big move

(which was ridiculously more stressful than i originally thought)

well the move is technically over.

that is to say, i'm in victorville

some of my boxes are in the garage and some in the shed.

as far as my room, i'm in the room i had in high school.

which is painted white.

and my collage isn't up,

so it's incredibly bland.

in two weeks when the rents are on vacation 

i'll be painting the front room 

(it's bigger and has hardwood floors)

then i'll reassemble the fashion mag collage

then my youtube viewers will have something interesting to look at 

while i'm rambling away in my videos.

so there's that.

p.s. 

if my victorville friends are reading this,

then stop being bitches,

in case you didn't know,

(which those of you i've talked to claim you didn't)

i'm back in town and we need to hang out.

i love my parents and all, but hot damn.

i can only take so many stories about the crazy people on the price is right.

then we ate some orange tic-tacs after

my first non-official-but-still-getting-paid-for-it day was a non-tragedy

when they brought up the dress code and how we can't wear denim,

it was a little awkward because i was wearing banana republic jeans

excuse me, banana republic denim dress trousers

but apparently no matter how fancily you name them, you can't wear them to work

i'd be upset if they weren't the most fantastic pair of denim dress trousers i'd ever tried on.

i haven't said anything about it yet, 

but i might be going back to victorville

that's not true, 

i am for sure going back to victorville, 

but i'm not sure when

i know that i want to go back to be with my parents,

especially now that my dad's having all this weirdness with his diabetes.

and it also wouldn't hurt to be able to save up bunches of money in the process.

but i know that i can't stay for too long.

1) because i think living rent free for too long would ruin me

2) and because i can't watch then completely deteriorate

and i know that's gross and selfish, but it's the truth

i want to make some meaningful memories with them,

before i get too old and living at home is just sad, ha.

and that way i'll have good memories, when i think about living with them.

the whole situation was weird my senior year, 

i just wanted to get out, 

and they just wanted to spend all their time with me.

it wasn't exactly an evenly matched situation,

but if i go home to help out and all that jazz, 

then i'll be ale to enjoy time with them, 

and after a while i can come back.

this is made tricky by the fact i haven't had an official shift with banana republic yet,

and david already requested time off from forever 21 corporate for july.

so we'll see how things work out,

but i couldn't keep updating this thing without saying that.

every time i put up a new post i'd have to figure out a way to avoid the subject.

and then sitting here i realized that i started this whole thing so that i could be honest.

so i'm saying it now, and i'll update my departure plans in later posts.