we left home, and never looked behind

i am:

afraid,

fearful,

scared,

and terror-stricken.

i am terrified.

i am:

shaking,

flailing,

sinking,

and gasping for breath.

i am drowning.

i am:

broken,

damaged,

fragmented,

malfunctioning,

and cracked.

i am not okay.

every little bump in the road i tried to swerve

people are people, and sometimes, it doesn't work out.

on the road that is my life, 

it seems as though as soon as i fill one major pot hole

two smaller ones have a habit of popping up in it's place.

it's not to say that these new problems are insurmountable, 

but it's getting to the point 

where there are all these smaller holes keep cropping up,

too quickly to be filled it or avoided.

i'm not like other 19 year olds,

there are several reasons for this, 

the most immediate one as of late being:

that on any given morning,

instead of be woken up by the alarm on my phone,

there is a very real change that i'll be jolted awake

by the prods of my father,

telling me that my mother,

(who gave away her oxygen machine)

didn't wake up when he went in to talk to her that day.

or the panicked movement of my father,

informing me that my mom has had one of her blackouts,

only this time she didn't just hit a wall or the floor

but instead clipped a table or chair.

there's even the chance that neither one will be home,

and they'll have gotten into a car accident ,

(a scenario that seems more and more plausible as they approach 70)

one they simply couldn't walk away from.

because of the feasibility of any one of these situations, 

i have to be ready at any given moment,

to live my life without my them,

which means that these small pot holes,

become daunting and intimidating.

a long time ago

i became determined not to be blindsided by the loss of my parents.

as such i've been trying to mentally prepare,

but as they get older,

and i remain incapable of dealing with my issues;

i'm beginning to see that knowing it's coming,

and be ready for the events in question

are two very different things.

but instead of dealing with it out right,

my tactic of choice these days

seems to be avoidance.

i'm passing the flashing "END OF HIGHWAY" sign,

speeding past the "last exit"

and the only hope i have at this point

is that my road turns into a surface street

and doesn't just dead end.

p.s.

i never was very good with extended metaphors.

as such, i'll probably re-write this when i'm feeling more clear.

spoiler alert:

it'll probably be re-worked into a hyperbolic drowning sequence.

you belong with me.

those homos need to CUT. THE. SHIT.

this is the billionth time this year that i've had a fashion/accessory/bag epiphany,

i get this vision in my head of the PERFECT item and commence searching;

then while i'm scouring all my favorite sites i find it!

whatever i'm looking for, 

EXACTLY as i imagined it.

but it's ALWAYS d&g,

and is therefore about 1.5 million dollars.

damn those queers and their exquisite design aesthetic!

i need to get my happy ass on a game show or something.

maybe deal or no deal so i can lick my knuckles right before that germ-a-phoebe mandell fist bumps me.

i do NOT fist bump,

unless i get something out of it.

i gave all i could, but it wasn't good enough

i'm writing this now 

i'm writing this now 

only because, honestly 

i have no idea what to write as a follow up to the last post.

i find myself lying awake, just before i go to sleep,

listening to "the saddest song in the world",

and all i can do is think about what i wrote,

how i feel and all i can seem to think about.

i don't know what it is, 

but lately i just can't live in the "now"

it's borderline crippling.

don't get me wrong;

i love my new job,

i love my friends,

i love people i work with kind of, mostly,

and i know that things could be a lot worse,

but i DESPISE "it could be worse"

by that logic, anything can sound good,

you have all these people telling you just think,

if that truck had merged a half a second earlier you could be dead,

well, if it had merged a half a second later i could be living in my studio apartment,

working at my dream job in san francisco.

so please no "it could be worse"

it is how it is.

i guess i just need some time to adjust;

this january made it a full year,

and it's taking a whole lot longer than i bargained for.

on the bright side,

now i can finally blog about something,

without worrying about a weird segway.

question, tell me what you think about this

what happens when i find him?

the guy who's sweet and thoughtful,

with his dark hair and light in his eyes.

then what happens if he loves me back?

we love all the same songs,

and hate things in the same ways.

then what happens if he decides i'm not enough,

we're not enough,

or worse, what if something horrible happens to him?

what do i do then?

who am i afterwards?

how do i get better, once i've had the best?

and finally,

is it crazy to miss a place that you've never been?

because i do;

it's all i can think about,

and some days, it's the only thing that keeps me sane.

i'm a terrible person

okay, so my dad NEVER complains like EVER about anything,

and we're sure he's always in a reasonable amount of pain,

(he's had trouble walking for at least a year)

and today he's staying in bed not wanting to do anything

(he had three "accidents" yesterday and  couple already today)

he's got a doctor's appointment tomorrow

none of this is why i'm terrible, 

that's coming

yesterday i was watching grey's anatomy

and if you watch the show you know meridith's mother,

she has alzheimer's, 

and doesn't have the slightest idea most of the time who meridith is,

well, they brought her into the hospital,

 where meredith works,

 they're rolling her in,

and she's just screaming

she doesn't know who anyone is,

 and she's fighting everyone,

 and just screaming at Meredith to leave, 

yelling for her to leave,

"WHAT DID I TELL YOU, 'NEVER BOTHER ME AT WORK!'."

i kind lost it,

like instant tears,

only for a second,

but it was this intense burst of crippling sadness,

and it kinda freaked me out

later in the episode,

 she finds out her mom might have liver cancer,

 and hopes secretly that she does

only she's wracked with guilt

 because 

"what kind of person wishes their mother had cancer?"

i'm terrible because he's my father,,

and i hope that tomorrow at the appointment,

they find something that means he has to go to the hospital,

and then at the hospital,

they find something they would have to operate on,

and because both my parents hearts are shot,

during his last triple bypass, 

(yes there were others),

he had a stroke,

(thus the trouble walking),

and he was a vegetative state for three whole days,

surgery would kill him,

but then he would get to die on the table,

in his sleep...

i wouldn't have to watch him fall apart,

it's already starting,

 and i know i can't do it,

i can't watch him slowly die,

 and so i hope there's something wrong with him.

 that's terrible to hope for anyone,

let alone your father.

i can't help wishing it though,

 a series of events that would lead to a painless death,

he started laughing at my jokes the other day,

and asking me how i felt,

he's never done either.

he doesn't laugh at ANYTHING other than cops,

and that's only when it's really funny.

and he never asks anyone how they feel

and would never answer the question himself,

with any answer other than fine.

and now, today, he felt horrible.

i saw the look in my dad's face,

 when we would visit his mother,

she only knew who he was part of the time,

it slowly ripped him apart.

i also sat in the car with my mom,

after we visited my grandfather in the facility.

he couldn't breathe on his own for 4 years before he died.

she would just sob silently,

they were almost 50 when it happened to them.

i can't do it,

not now,

not at 19.

i'm just a little bit caught in the middle

i need a job, 

or at least somewhere to go.

i can't just be here watching tv and doing nothing.

in the past three weeks i've download and listened to the discography of at least 12 bands and artists,

seen four house episodes,

17 movie in and out of theaters,

researched apartments in various areas of greater chicago,

run out of deodorant,

sent irving (the ipod) and miles III (the env) to get replaced,

got miles back,

no irving till next wednesday thought...

which is fitting seeing as all i want to do lately is go to  park and listen to my ipod,

i just want to be able to phase everything out,

like i could before.