we left home, and never looked behind

i am:

afraid,

fearful,

scared,

and terror-stricken.

i am terrified.

i am:

shaking,

flailing,

sinking,

and gasping for breath.

i am drowning.

i am:

broken,

damaged,

fragmented,

malfunctioning,

and cracked.

i am not okay.

every little bump in the road i tried to swerve

people are people, and sometimes, it doesn't work out.

on the road that is my life, 

it seems as though as soon as i fill one major pot hole

two smaller ones have a habit of popping up in it's place.

it's not to say that these new problems are insurmountable, 

but it's getting to the point 

where there are all these smaller holes keep cropping up,

too quickly to be filled it or avoided.

i'm not like other 19 year olds,

there are several reasons for this, 

the most immediate one as of late being:

that on any given morning,

instead of be woken up by the alarm on my phone,

there is a very real change that i'll be jolted awake

by the prods of my father,

telling me that my mother,

(who gave away her oxygen machine)

didn't wake up when he went in to talk to her that day.

or the panicked movement of my father,

informing me that my mom has had one of her blackouts,

only this time she didn't just hit a wall or the floor

but instead clipped a table or chair.

there's even the chance that neither one will be home,

and they'll have gotten into a car accident ,

(a scenario that seems more and more plausible as they approach 70)

one they simply couldn't walk away from.

because of the feasibility of any one of these situations, 

i have to be ready at any given moment,

to live my life without my them,

which means that these small pot holes,

become daunting and intimidating.

a long time ago

i became determined not to be blindsided by the loss of my parents.

as such i've been trying to mentally prepare,

but as they get older,

and i remain incapable of dealing with my issues;

i'm beginning to see that knowing it's coming,

and be ready for the events in question

are two very different things.

but instead of dealing with it out right,

my tactic of choice these days

seems to be avoidance.

i'm passing the flashing "END OF HIGHWAY" sign,

speeding past the "last exit"

and the only hope i have at this point

is that my road turns into a surface street

and doesn't just dead end.

p.s.

i never was very good with extended metaphors.

as such, i'll probably re-write this when i'm feeling more clear.

spoiler alert:

it'll probably be re-worked into a hyperbolic drowning sequence.

you belong with me.

those homos need to CUT. THE. SHIT.

this is the billionth time this year that i've had a fashion/accessory/bag epiphany,

i get this vision in my head of the PERFECT item and commence searching;

then while i'm scouring all my favorite sites i find it!

whatever i'm looking for, 

EXACTLY as i imagined it.

but it's ALWAYS d&g,

and is therefore about 1.5 million dollars.

damn those queers and their exquisite design aesthetic!

i need to get my happy ass on a game show or something.

maybe deal or no deal so i can lick my knuckles right before that germ-a-phoebe mandell fist bumps me.

i do NOT fist bump,

unless i get something out of it.

who would you rather be?

-one-

starting monday morning

(six in the morning to be exact)

i am a visual merchandiser for forever21!!!

just typing that out is blowing my mind.

-two-

i bought this coat 

but it needs new buttons, 

because i love it;

but i'm not in love with it... yet.

i'll be going through my button collection for the next few days and we'll see what happens from there.

-three-

because this is a "good news, bad news" situation,

and you got the good stuff first.

it seems as though, 

just as everything has started to go right;

my mother has decided to purposely punish me for doing well outside of college.

more on that later...

what a way to make living

i have been working a shit ton lately,

at least that's what it feels like.

i wake up two hours before my shift, 

whatever time that may be,

i work anywhere from 5 - 10 hours,

go home, 

make my usual stops on the interwebs, 

then go to sleep,

and 8 hours later is starts all over again.

it's like forever 21 owns my soul...

i wouldn't know i didn't read that contract they made me sign at orientation.

the future looks bright

maybe i'll blog everyday for the rest of march,.

not always with something amazing or profound,

but always something,

that way this time in my life isn't lost,

and i'll have some kind of record of what my life was like,

at the beginning of my time with forever 21;

because this has the potential to change my life,

it's why i haven't been posting,

or making videos, 

i need to put the whole of my concentration into this right now.

unfortunately that means i don't have a few hours to make a video that i'm proud of, and if i can't do that, then i refuse to do it halfway.

tomorrow i think i'll share with you "the saddest song in the world".

pee to the ess

i JUST got home from work.

i told you, this is kind of my life right now.

sorry, in advance

training continues tomorrow,

i'm unleashing my slim jeans on the world.

i'm pretty sure it'll be fantastic.

we're supposed to accessorize,

and skinny jeans with boots are as far as i'm willing to go.

the new store will open some time in the near nondescript future

(because i signed a confidentiality agreement.)

i could be more excited but then i'd loose control of my bowels.

i'll leave you with happy mental image and update tomorrow. 

here's hoping it rains tomorrow.

for the first time in a very long time,

i know, i'll be okay...

1) i'm newly re-obssesed with my soft toned girl singers,

it's kiersten and emily and laura and meiko all over the place!

2) today was basically the best day i've had since i moved back down here.

i got a job at forever21

(they're opening a new one in the mall so it's permanent!)

then when i was getting a duplicate social security card

(you have to have it for orientation)

it started to rain,

and if you know me and this town,

then you know how rare and fantastic that is.

my new card will be here in two weeks,

and my orientation is on the 2nd.

p.s.

that reminds me, 

since i'll be halfway down on the 2nd anyway,

i'm going to visit a boy from my past...

i don't want to jinx anything, 

but i will say it's not who any of you think it is.

more on that later.

i'm just a little bit caught in the middle

i need a job, 

or at least somewhere to go.

i can't just be here watching tv and doing nothing.

in the past three weeks i've download and listened to the discography of at least 12 bands and artists,

seen four house episodes,

17 movie in and out of theaters,

researched apartments in various areas of greater chicago,

run out of deodorant,

sent irving (the ipod) and miles III (the env) to get replaced,

got miles back,

no irving till next wednesday thought...

which is fitting seeing as all i want to do lately is go to  park and listen to my ipod,

i just want to be able to phase everything out,

like i could before.

oh what a night is tonight.

so tonight has been amazing.

today though i had my job orientation 

mentioned previously in yesterday's blog

and i had to watch ANOTHER video with detailed instructions on how to lift a box.

i swear to god 

if you don't know how to pick up a box by age 18 you deserve to throw your back out

i'm just saying.

then i came home and promptly fell asleep

because my parent's old age is rubbing off on me...

which means bowling as well as "the plan" is postponed till sometime later this week.

tonight though at like midnight i got brownies,

and the GQ with james franco on the cover!

which only has a FOUR PAGE spread, which is bullshit, because that thing is huge.

while i was out i picked up a frosty,

because it would be stupid not to.

and then i was a part of a basketball shorts/hot boys who play music party,

i'm still a part of it actually.

yay from fattie foods, hot boys, and massive amounts of clothes.

speaking of which

my laundry is FINALLY done aaaaand,

my closet is full,

and so are my big and small laundry baskets,

AND so is my rolling hamper.

and there's still a load of laundry on my bed.

p.s.

apparently my ex boyfriend works the night shift at walgreens. :I

i long for something more.

so i'm sitting here;

watching ingrid michaelson videos on youtube,

and eating some very gay* sugar cookies.

and i'm thinking about my day...

have you ever wondered what would happen

if you painted something 

and then it decided it wasn't too keen on staying painted?

well...

that my friends is what it looks like,

 when two layers of primer

and two layers of paint,

hate crime you.

so now that i've wasted three days painting things;

leaving me unable to record a video.

i still have to come up with something else to do for a fresh look

furniture wise

for mah bedroom.

this should be fun/tedious...

now don't get me wrong;

i'm not totally broken up about it.

i love to paint, and have nothing to do until the 19th

my orientation for work.

so it was nice to have a distraction

from the sheer and utter boredom.

oh and we got a full refund on the klan paint.

so all is definitely not lost.

p.s.

i will most likely be putting up a video tomorrow...

i won't promise anything,

because that's entirely dependent on my neighbor.

the reason for this being that,

by some miracle,

her son has the same exact bed i do,

but in the "medium brown" variety,

(mine is the "birch veneer")

and they might be getting rid of it,

so i might buy that one from her.

(since we're friends with her, it'll cost about as much as more paint would)

if i don't post on the tube,

then i'll embed the ridiculous facebook video,

 (i made for natalie and caitlin) 

on here.

then i'll do a legit video once everything is sorted out. : ]

*i hate when i use words the way they're defined,

(like queer and gay)

and people jump all over me, 

because they're either too stupid or lazy 

to consider that i might not be using colloquialisms.

venting complete.

what happens in my head stays in my head.

i'm watching What's Up, Doc? 

it is now my second favorite babs (barbara streisand) movie,

the first of course being Yentl.

i've decided that i'm going to get an '06 Saturn VUE

because it gets incredible gas milage as far as SUVs are concerned;

and also because, i dislike the recent remodel

in other news, the next city i live in will be chicago,

at the very least it will be the next city i visit.

i've been thinking a lot lately

a nasty habit i've taken up due to all this free time

and i decided that for a few months i'll work in town

i've been promised assistance getting the aforementioned VUE if i do this,

it will be really nice to live 5 minutes away from where i work.

if only for a short while.

then, once i have a vehicle i know can make the 30 minute drive,

i'll get that job at urban.

i say that like i'm the only thing standing between myself and a job there.

this post was much more interesting in my head,

although on the page it's just as informative.

so, i'll throw in some toothpaste for dinner,

and maybe something from a softer world if you play your cards right.

you: "where am i supposed to get cards?"

me: "don't you have any cards?"

you: "no... well maybe, but i'd have to go find them."

me: "well i can't do everything for you."

you: "i don't much care for you attitude."

me: "well no one is twisting your arm to stay here."

you: "this is going nowhere."

me: "then just go down and look at the pictures already."

you: "well i never."

me: "well now you have."

worst news caster ever.

p.s.

i might be going to paris with natalie and caitlin,

if one ofrall of us wins the lottery because those ticket prices are STEEP.

it would be super amazing if we could go.

p.p.s.

natalie and caitlin, i'm super excited to talk to you tomorrow 

all face to face and junk.

it's gonna be great, i'm sure of it.

sorry in advance for avril lavigne/leonalewis/whatever-i-decide lip synch

p.p.p.s.

this is a first,

i'm rereading the 6th harry potter book 

instead of the 7th 

because the movie is coming out in one hundred twelve days.

i have a countdown thing on my computer

i'm no where near that creepy...

well, not about harry potter.

come with me my love, to the sea

i want to go to the beach,

mostly because i miss less than 100 degree weather.

but also because i've fallen back in obsessive love with regina spektor,

and i know from experience that her songs are better when accompanied by sounds of the ocean.

i went to the gym again today

thank you free 7 day pass

and monica and i took a zumba class.

no if you don't know what zumba is, 

i suggest you check it out.

we were able to perform hip gyrations and other inappropriate group behavior,

all while listening to madonna, the beegees, justin timberlake, and my favorite en vogue.

it was fantastic and i have no idea how it happened but i've forgotten all the hip hop zumba dance moves,

which of course breaks my heart.

but it's okay there's another class in a couple days,

so i'll take notes next time.

maybe i'll work them into a video!

i'm having some urban outfitters issues at the moment, 

they claim that i was employed there already,

so i wasn't able to take their survey,

so i had to call the store manager and she said she'll "get it worked out for [me]"

finger crossed.

p.s.

i posted a video response to the fiveawesome girls today, so we'll see how that goes.

also, i video chatted with natalie and caitlin today,

it was utterly fantastic until one or both of our ichats had epileptic fits

(not unlike the ones expirenced by beverly's grandberry justin)

and we were cut off.

p.p.s.

in the past 24 hours bordem has caused my itunes to increase by 215 songs

also, i think i include to many post script messages. :I

"put cho sneakers on." no thank you.

really vanessa hudgens?


really?


i have another full shift in the republic tomorrow.
and two new videos up on youtube.
view it up bitches.

i say that with love, of course.

the best part of believe in the lie

i had my job interview with banana republic yesterday and i keep going over it in my head. But it's strange, as i was sitting in traffic on my way home afterwards, i couldn't shake the feeling that maybe, by being optimistic about it, i'm jinxing it. Making it so that my expectations for an event become so high that any outcome won't be good enough. I have this fear about both my personal and professional relationships.

Maybe it isn't advisable to be an optimist after a certain number of horrible events befall you. Maybe pessimism is something we have to start applying daily... Otherwise, how do you bounce back when reality batters your belief system and love does not, as promised conquer all? Is hope a drug we need to go off of? Or is it keeping us alive?

What's the harm in believing?

and furthermore...

What if, what I think I should be doing is driving me to think this way? Is should another disease plaguing society? Do I want a degree and a "career"? Or do i think i should have a degree and a "career"?

How do we separate what we could do from what i should do? And here's a disturbing thought, it's not just peer pressure, it seems to be coming from within.

Why are we "should-ing" all over ourselves?