hurry up and wait.

me: so i'm doing a survey for my latest blog entry because i'm too tired to be eloquent, but i really want to post something.

you: um, that's lame, it doesn't tell us anything new about your life.

me: actually scep-ta-kismo is does.

and besides this survey is adoreable.

you: .......

me: it's the most, to say the least.

you: the very least.*

-When was the last time you cried?

three months ago, before that, seven and a half years.

-What was the last lie you said?

we have to get the more expensive one, because the other one isn't mac compatible

-Have you ever cried during a movie?

i cried once during grey's anatomy, but we were 90% sure my mom was going to die the next day. so that's probably just coincidence.

- Who was the last person you couldn't take your eyes off of?

there's this icon i made and it's MESMERIZING.

-Have you ever danced in the rain?

i recorded myself doing it, then posted the video on youtube.

-Have you ever been drunk?

never have, never will.

-Have you ever tried tried drugs?

same

-Do you smoke?

i quit.

-What is your full name?

i was born roger brown III and my name was legally changed when i was adopted to roger lee house.

-What is your blood-type?

i have no idea, i've given blood four times (three of which ended badly) and they refuse to tell me.

- Have you ever been in a car accident?

two of them, neither my fault, one of them a hit and run that totaled my baby.

- How old were you when you recieved your first kiss?

5 maybe 4?

- Who was your first kiss?

dj, and you don't exchange last names in kindergarten

- Have you ever had an online relationship?

i've had several. none of them romantic, i'm not up for becoming a rape or homicide victim. thanks though.

- Have you ever had phone-sex?

both speech and text.

- What is your favourite sport to play?

driving... if nascar is a sport so is my driving. and i don't do it in circles.

- Is there anything that you have done that you regret?

regrets are for straight people.

- What do you want to be when you grow up?

either the editor of a major fashion magazine, or an elementary school teacher.

- Do you believe in god?

religion is the human reaction to being alive, and having to die.

- Do you believe in love at first sight?

that wouldn't be very fair to blind people.

- Do you believe in karma?

fundamentally yes.

- Who was your first crush?

dj probably.

- Who do yo uhave a crush on?

well he'll read this... so fuck that.

- How would you describe yourself?

pretty well, i've got an extensive vocabulary.

- What are you afraid of?

the dark a little, and relationships in general.

- Who was your first boyfriend/girlfriend?

i've only ever dated friends, and i've never really felt the need to label things.

- What is the best compliment you have ever recieved?

you are one of the most genuine people i've ever met.

- What is the meanest thing anyone has said about you?

i've been "fat" i'm whole life and in the first 3 months of high school i grew about 2 inches and lost about 20 pounds, and this girl looked at a picture of my from 6th grade and said i should keep working on it because i "still look[ed] huge."

- What is the longest crush/relationship you have had?

3 years i think, if not, then just under 3.

- What is your greatest strength?

my devotion to my friends, honestly i put everything i have into my relationships with the people i care about.

- What is your greatest weakness?

i lie about my feelings far too often.

- What is your first thought when waking up in the morning?

"what town am i in?" second thought: "fuck i have to pee."

- What is your first thought before you go to bed?

the lyrics to whatever song i fall asleep to.

- What college do you want to go to?

san francisco state, colombia college, university of washington, and nyu.

- Do you get along with your family?

not really, but lately that's for the better.

- Do you play any instruments?

i've played piano, alto sax, clarinet, tuba, and guitar. and except for tuba i was borderline terrible at all of them.

- Would you ever get a tattoo?

i WILL get the word "breathe" tattooed on my inner wrist in white-gold ink. because i honestly believe that sometimes that's all you can do not to give up. i REFUSE to give up.

- Who makes you laugh?

lately it's a three way tie between natalie, caitlin and margaret cho.

- Who would you want to be tied to for 24hours?

steven reca

- Have you ever seen a dead body?

both in and out of a casket.

- What is one thing scientists should invent?

something that can make you telepathic.

- What happens after you die?

you start to rot.

- What stereotype would you label yourself as being?

the white-black kid. but i was raised by white people, so do what you want with that.

- Would your friends agree with that stereotypic label?

they better.

- If yo ucould change your name, what would you change it to?

i'm going to change it to roger lee when both of my parents are gone.

- If you could go back in time to one point in your life, where would you go

i'd go forward.

- If you could change anything about yourself, what would you change?

i'd keep loosing weight, which all part of the plan. THIRTY POUNDS since high school.

- Have you ever played strip poker?

i was the dealer, it's much more fun.

- Would you ever lie to someone to make them feel good about themselves?

i would, and i have. but only when nothing can be done about the matter at the moment. and i never volunteered.

- What do you want your friends to think about you?

they love me, and i love the, if not then we're not really friends.

- Whats the biggest argument you've ever gotten into?

someone i trusted lied to our mutual friends to distance me from them so she could get closer to them. she was a righteous thunder cunt, and everything worked out for the best.

- Do you make wishes on shooting stars?

i made a wish on 9 of them during a meteor shower last month.

- Whats the most you've ever eaten in one sitting?

a family size popcorn chicken from kfc. i'm fairly certain i threw up afterwards.

- Have you ever been in love?

i'm in love with 19 people, but that's just off the top of my head.

- Are you a morning person or a night person?

when i've had my 8 hours, i'm an all day person. that being said; i despise heat.

- Have you ever been to the hospital (other then birth)?

my parents have both been in and out of hospitals since i was born... that's what happens when you're parents are 68 when you're 19

- How many screen names do you have?

at least 23, i only remember the passwords to like 7.

- Do any medical problems run in your family?

i've never met anyone that i'm related to that i know of.

- Have anyone ever been disowned from your family?

quite literally; i was left on a doorstep.

- Do you say meaner things to your friends or your enemies?

who the fuck would do that?

- Would you ever pay for a prostititue?

balloon-and-cigarette-stomp-porn-comedy-variety-troupe.

- Have you ever laughed so hard you peed in your pants?

i've never peed my pants.

- Have you ever attempted suicide?

when i was like 9 i went through this really rough time where the only three people in school who would talk to me (and only to tell me how fat or gay or pathetic i was) decided we were no longer "friends". and for a long while i'd stand in the kitchen with the biggest knife we had pressed against my throat, praying for the strength to push in.

- Do you prefer boxers or briefs?

boxer briefs. fun fact, i don't pay for underwear. i believe it's ridiculous that people should have to pay for something that everyone is expected to wear but no one can fucking see.

- Have you ever been in a fistfight?

twice. three times. maybe a couple more i'm not remembering at the moment.

- Do you have any hidden talents?

i can put my leg on top of my head with jeans on, without them i can put it behind.

- Who is your favourite person to talk to?

monica morales, but for true bliss there MUST be fried cheese, veggie burgers and tacos must be involved.

- Would you ever have sex before marriage?

a few months ago my entire life had to be sex before marriage.

- How do you vent your anger?

music.

- Have you ever been on a diet?

eat when you're hungry stop when you're not.

- Would you ever date someone younger than you? Older than you?

i like my boys older. and taller.

- What's the craziest rumor someone has spread about you?

that i was straight.

- Have you ever been diagnosed with a mental illness?

i'm clinically depressed.

- Have you ever wanted to murder someone?

twice.

- Have you ever hated someone?

twice.

- Do you prefer talking on the phone or online?

video chat online.

- Would you ever tell the person you have a crush on that you like them?

i have. twice.

- What is your favourite book?

the perk of being a wallflower. but you knew that already.

- Do you have a collection of anything?

music. that or clothing. both are out of control and i love it.

- Are you happy with the person you are becoming?

i'm happy with the person i've become.

- Are you a different person now then you were 5 years ago?

5 years ago i was in middle school.

- What do you see yourself as being in 5 years from now?

close to a teachers credential working in fashion.

- Are you happy with the life you have?

the day you stop living life on your terms, is the day you cease to live.

real post coming soon i SWEAR.

*obscure pop culture reference!

what happens in my head stays in my head.

i'm watching What's Up, Doc? 

it is now my second favorite babs (barbara streisand) movie,

the first of course being Yentl.

i've decided that i'm going to get an '06 Saturn VUE

because it gets incredible gas milage as far as SUVs are concerned;

and also because, i dislike the recent remodel

in other news, the next city i live in will be chicago,

at the very least it will be the next city i visit.

i've been thinking a lot lately

a nasty habit i've taken up due to all this free time

and i decided that for a few months i'll work in town

i've been promised assistance getting the aforementioned VUE if i do this,

it will be really nice to live 5 minutes away from where i work.

if only for a short while.

then, once i have a vehicle i know can make the 30 minute drive,

i'll get that job at urban.

i say that like i'm the only thing standing between myself and a job there.

this post was much more interesting in my head,

although on the page it's just as informative.

so, i'll throw in some toothpaste for dinner,

and maybe something from a softer world if you play your cards right.

you: "where am i supposed to get cards?"

me: "don't you have any cards?"

you: "no... well maybe, but i'd have to go find them."

me: "well i can't do everything for you."

you: "i don't much care for you attitude."

me: "well no one is twisting your arm to stay here."

you: "this is going nowhere."

me: "then just go down and look at the pictures already."

you: "well i never."

me: "well now you have."

worst news caster ever.

p.s.

i might be going to paris with natalie and caitlin,

if one ofrall of us wins the lottery because those ticket prices are STEEP.

it would be super amazing if we could go.

p.p.s.

natalie and caitlin, i'm super excited to talk to you tomorrow 

all face to face and junk.

it's gonna be great, i'm sure of it.

sorry in advance for avril lavigne/leonalewis/whatever-i-decide lip synch

p.p.p.s.

this is a first,

i'm rereading the 6th harry potter book 

instead of the 7th 

because the movie is coming out in one hundred twelve days.

i have a countdown thing on my computer

i'm no where near that creepy...

well, not about harry potter.

sitting in restaurants, thought we were so grown up.

went to huntington today.

there was some kind of motocross thing going on by the pier.

melissa, adonis, steph, monica, and i went into the ocean and everything.

i didn't go in all the way, 

because huntington beach is filthy,

and i refused to take my emerald blazer off,

my outfit just went too well together.

(see picture from previous post)

i did get to listen to a bit of miss spektor,

on the way down to the beach we hooked my ipod up to the car.

but on the way back up melissa's non-boyfriend-asshole blasted his negro music.

the time spent in huntington was wonderful.

i got to get some reading done,

walk out in the water to about my waist,

play with a frisbee,

dig holes,

stalk a SUPER HOT BOY with monica,

while flying our free hurley kites,

and watch motocross guys do unnecessarily dangerous stunts.

it was even overcast for the first half of the day.

(unnecessary amounts of beach pictures, including several of the supa hot boy)

rainy days, please stay.

so i've been kinda absent from youtube for about a week now,

so if you're a subscriber and you're reading this i'm sorry.

and then to regular just-the-blog readers, 

i'm sorry for pre-dating updates i've forgotten to post,

i'm sure it's confusing.

now that we're past that i posted a new video today,

so that's for the subscribers

and i've resigned myself to post on time so no more confusing blog updates,

that's for the just-the-blog people.

it rained today, 

in the desert,

in july,

wha?

it was fantastic.

p.s.

i've decided instead of taking down the other video 

(which andrew was excited to be a part of)

i'm going to leave it up for my viewers who lack commitment. 

(ala mememolly)

and then i'll post a second one, 

talking about all the things i haven't been talking about thus far.

there have been tons of victorville happenings to be discussed.

i don't want to spoil it for you,

but two of the things included are the yentl soundtrack, on vinyl;

and a book about jail-time with booze in the title.

excited much?

the perks of being a wallflower

that’s the name of my favorite book of all time. No over exaggeration. It’s the only book I’ve ever truly loved. It seems like for the past 6 or 7 years, the only books I’ve gotten to read were ones that were assigned. All I couldn’t get caught up in them, because in the back of my mind I knew I had to remember certain facts and random quotes for some test, or that I would have to write some asinine essay about how it relates to the other books I was forced to read and then write about.

 

And this one is different it was the last book I read before all the reports started. It was the end of the 6^th grade, summer I think. I forget how I heard about it, but I knew I had to read it. After I finished I felt different. Have you ever done that, after you see a great movie or read an amazing book you see things differently. You see the world in a different way and that’s what this book did for me; it’s what Charlie did for me.

 

I’ve been re–reading it since I took that break from school, and there won’t be any reports or quote memorization involved when I’m finished. After I had to stop taking the anti-depressants I’ve been fine, there isn’t so much to focus on. I still have all my bills but when I’m at work I’m there and I put my all into it; and then when I come home I only have to think about being here, maybe cleaning some things or making food. Anyway, as I’m reading I see Charlie going through the same things I went through, well the things I’m kind of still going through. I’m not sure why but it’s supremely reassuring to know that someone else has felt the same way, even if that someone is in a book.

 

It’s the same reason I love music so much. Think to yourself for a moment… have you ever heard a song that says everything you’ve been thinking or feeling recently. It’s everything you wish you could articulate to the world but you can’t; and your feeling have been shoved down inside for so long you’re not sure if you’ll ever be able to express yourself. Then all of a sudden you hear this song and out of the speakers, pour the words that you soul scream but your mouth could never say. Even after it’s over, and the silence takes over you realize that someone else has gone through the same things, that someone somewhere felt how you feel and they made it out alive, and you can too; and you instantly know that you are understood, and you are not alone.

 

If you haven’t felt this way then I really do feel for you, because it’s one of the best I think anyone can ever experience. I think the best thing about this book is that it gives me this feeling when I least expect it. There are a few quotes that conveys the way a felt and the my lowest, and it’s completely relatable but in a real and amazing way.

 

Here are a few of the best, and therefore the most depressing:

 

“I don’t know if you’ve ever felt like that. That you wanted to sleep for a thousand years. Or just not exist. Or just not be aware you do exist. Or something like that. I think wanting that is very morbid, I want it when I get like this. That’s I’m trying not to think. I just want it all to stop spinning.”

It was like that at my lowest point. I laid in bed for days waiting. Waiting to feel better. Waiting for things to be different. Waiting for something that never came. So I went to a doctor and he gave me some pills. And for a while I felt a lot better. Then I found out our insurance for 2008 wouldn’t cover filling my prescription, so when I ran out of sample packs, I ran out of pills for good. Then Petey died after that hit and run near exit 21A. and I had to get Roxy, and I spun out on the freeway. And I had to stop going to school for a while so I can work full time at the job I got so I can pay for my new-to-me civic.

 

“I know that I brought this on myself. I know that I deserve this. I’d do anything not to be this way. I’d do anything to make it up to everyone. And to not have to see a psychiatrist, who explains to me about being ‘passive aggressive.’ And to not have the medicine he gives me, which is too expensive for my dad. And to not have to talk about bad memories with him. Or be nostalgic about bad things. I just wish… someone would just tell me what’s wrong with me. just tell me how to be different in a way that makes sense. To make this all go away. And disappear. I know that’s wrong because it’s my responsibility, and I know that things get worse before they get better because that’s what my psychiatrist says, but this is a worse that feels too big.”

I feel like everything spun out of control after that day. I was just barely hanging on, make no mistake. But I was going to class again, doing the reading and the homework and things. And then the accident happened… a delivery truck cut me off on the freeway while I was on my way to target one night, it wouldn’t have been so bad if it had been a different type of vehicle, one that didn’t have a giant metal ladder attached on the back for people to climb up that took on the front end of my car. After that my parents had to drive up so we could look for another one, because then more than ever I couldn’t afford to miss work for any reason. So we looked for a cheap replacement car once we got the official word that Petey was dead, damaged beyond repair. And I get a red ’98 honda civic, which I promptly named Roxy Hart because she clearly thinks she’s classier than she is. And so I had to try and become full time. Which meant that school had to go away at least until next year so I can make the payments. So that now every time I’m done with one of my shifts  and I walk up the stairs to where I park; I forget what happened for a little bit and look for Petey but he’s not there. The only thing I see is a red ’98 civic parked where my car should be. And I know I have to drive home in this car. If I ever have to get something and I’m laying in my apartment I think about the fact that to get anywhere I’d have to go in that civic. And I think about how things happen, and wonder how this became my life. Then I get in my car a drive wherever I’m going and pay too much for things that I know I’ll regret later, but that make me feel better because then I don’t have to think about every thing waiting outside of the target for me. to add insult to injury a week ago someone broke into the civic and stole my car stereo, and consequently my Kate Voegele cd in the process. So when I get in the car after one of those times I forget that I don’t’ have Petey, and that I have to listen to my ipod while I drive and I look at that gaping hole where my stereo used to be and I think about my car insurance bill, and rent, and the cable bill and the gas I’ll have to put into it. Sometimes I can’t help but think that this is a worse that feels too big…and I wish someone would tell me how to be different in a way that makes sense.