i'm in a love affair, without a love song.

i have an appointment for mitchell tomorrow,

i can't believe i've been without his lap warming embrace for over a week.

(or a sentiment that isn't totally creepy)

coat watch 01'09 starts monday,

you don't know how much i'm looking forward to this

(well you kind of do now)

a lot of people don't understand my relationship with clothing,

but of all the things you have no power over,

your clothing is something that is unwaveringly your own.

if you don't want to wear something,

you don't have to,

you can dress to match your mood,

the occasion, 

the season,

or (most often) the weather.

when things start to spin out of control,

i think it's important hold on to anything that's just yours.

even if it's small.

even if it only makes sense to you.

even if it's all you have.

it's yours.

p.s.

doubt is an amazing movie. end of story.

if we can just get through this one.

i have a new obsession,

(besides my re-obsessions with haines and heap)

by the start of the new year i want to get onto lookbook,

it's exactly what it sounds like.

you take pictures of yourself in various "looks"

since i'm completely consumed by fashion, 

and continue to dress myself daily,

i figure why not?

this whole internet-working thing i started was preserve who i am now,

for the me that will come later.

and there's nothing i love more right now that fashion

(ok it may be tied with music)

this is the best way to showcase my style,

also the hugely self obsessed part of me,

along with the most of the ocd outfit making parts,

will love coming up with looks to post on the site.

there's this application process i'll have to go through,

since i don't know any of the current members,

(i'm working on it though)

so the next post (or the one after) will be various looks

that the site admissions people(?) 

can take a look at to see "what i'll bring to the site."

i'll just be happy to have something to focus on.

p.s.

as soon as i get accepted (positive thinking?)

i'm going to invite jenny and natalie to the site,

because they NEED more cute americans.

p.p.s.

it rained ALL DAY today,

things are looking up.

hurry up and wait.

me: so i'm doing a survey for my latest blog entry because i'm too tired to be eloquent, but i really want to post something.

you: um, that's lame, it doesn't tell us anything new about your life.

me: actually scep-ta-kismo is does.

and besides this survey is adoreable.

you: .......

me: it's the most, to say the least.

you: the very least.*

-When was the last time you cried?

three months ago, before that, seven and a half years.

-What was the last lie you said?

we have to get the more expensive one, because the other one isn't mac compatible

-Have you ever cried during a movie?

i cried once during grey's anatomy, but we were 90% sure my mom was going to die the next day. so that's probably just coincidence.

- Who was the last person you couldn't take your eyes off of?

there's this icon i made and it's MESMERIZING.

-Have you ever danced in the rain?

i recorded myself doing it, then posted the video on youtube.

-Have you ever been drunk?

never have, never will.

-Have you ever tried tried drugs?

same

-Do you smoke?

i quit.

-What is your full name?

i was born roger brown III and my name was legally changed when i was adopted to roger lee house.

-What is your blood-type?

i have no idea, i've given blood four times (three of which ended badly) and they refuse to tell me.

- Have you ever been in a car accident?

two of them, neither my fault, one of them a hit and run that totaled my baby.

- How old were you when you recieved your first kiss?

5 maybe 4?

- Who was your first kiss?

dj, and you don't exchange last names in kindergarten

- Have you ever had an online relationship?

i've had several. none of them romantic, i'm not up for becoming a rape or homicide victim. thanks though.

- Have you ever had phone-sex?

both speech and text.

- What is your favourite sport to play?

driving... if nascar is a sport so is my driving. and i don't do it in circles.

- Is there anything that you have done that you regret?

regrets are for straight people.

- What do you want to be when you grow up?

either the editor of a major fashion magazine, or an elementary school teacher.

- Do you believe in god?

religion is the human reaction to being alive, and having to die.

- Do you believe in love at first sight?

that wouldn't be very fair to blind people.

- Do you believe in karma?

fundamentally yes.

- Who was your first crush?

dj probably.

- Who do yo uhave a crush on?

well he'll read this... so fuck that.

- How would you describe yourself?

pretty well, i've got an extensive vocabulary.

- What are you afraid of?

the dark a little, and relationships in general.

- Who was your first boyfriend/girlfriend?

i've only ever dated friends, and i've never really felt the need to label things.

- What is the best compliment you have ever recieved?

you are one of the most genuine people i've ever met.

- What is the meanest thing anyone has said about you?

i've been "fat" i'm whole life and in the first 3 months of high school i grew about 2 inches and lost about 20 pounds, and this girl looked at a picture of my from 6th grade and said i should keep working on it because i "still look[ed] huge."

- What is the longest crush/relationship you have had?

3 years i think, if not, then just under 3.

- What is your greatest strength?

my devotion to my friends, honestly i put everything i have into my relationships with the people i care about.

- What is your greatest weakness?

i lie about my feelings far too often.

- What is your first thought when waking up in the morning?

"what town am i in?" second thought: "fuck i have to pee."

- What is your first thought before you go to bed?

the lyrics to whatever song i fall asleep to.

- What college do you want to go to?

san francisco state, colombia college, university of washington, and nyu.

- Do you get along with your family?

not really, but lately that's for the better.

- Do you play any instruments?

i've played piano, alto sax, clarinet, tuba, and guitar. and except for tuba i was borderline terrible at all of them.

- Would you ever get a tattoo?

i WILL get the word "breathe" tattooed on my inner wrist in white-gold ink. because i honestly believe that sometimes that's all you can do not to give up. i REFUSE to give up.

- Who makes you laugh?

lately it's a three way tie between natalie, caitlin and margaret cho.

- Who would you want to be tied to for 24hours?

steven reca

- Have you ever seen a dead body?

both in and out of a casket.

- What is one thing scientists should invent?

something that can make you telepathic.

- What happens after you die?

you start to rot.

- What stereotype would you label yourself as being?

the white-black kid. but i was raised by white people, so do what you want with that.

- Would your friends agree with that stereotypic label?

they better.

- If yo ucould change your name, what would you change it to?

i'm going to change it to roger lee when both of my parents are gone.

- If you could go back in time to one point in your life, where would you go

i'd go forward.

- If you could change anything about yourself, what would you change?

i'd keep loosing weight, which all part of the plan. THIRTY POUNDS since high school.

- Have you ever played strip poker?

i was the dealer, it's much more fun.

- Would you ever lie to someone to make them feel good about themselves?

i would, and i have. but only when nothing can be done about the matter at the moment. and i never volunteered.

- What do you want your friends to think about you?

they love me, and i love the, if not then we're not really friends.

- Whats the biggest argument you've ever gotten into?

someone i trusted lied to our mutual friends to distance me from them so she could get closer to them. she was a righteous thunder cunt, and everything worked out for the best.

- Do you make wishes on shooting stars?

i made a wish on 9 of them during a meteor shower last month.

- Whats the most you've ever eaten in one sitting?

a family size popcorn chicken from kfc. i'm fairly certain i threw up afterwards.

- Have you ever been in love?

i'm in love with 19 people, but that's just off the top of my head.

- Are you a morning person or a night person?

when i've had my 8 hours, i'm an all day person. that being said; i despise heat.

- Have you ever been to the hospital (other then birth)?

my parents have both been in and out of hospitals since i was born... that's what happens when you're parents are 68 when you're 19

- How many screen names do you have?

at least 23, i only remember the passwords to like 7.

- Do any medical problems run in your family?

i've never met anyone that i'm related to that i know of.

- Have anyone ever been disowned from your family?

quite literally; i was left on a doorstep.

- Do you say meaner things to your friends or your enemies?

who the fuck would do that?

- Would you ever pay for a prostititue?

balloon-and-cigarette-stomp-porn-comedy-variety-troupe.

- Have you ever laughed so hard you peed in your pants?

i've never peed my pants.

- Have you ever attempted suicide?

when i was like 9 i went through this really rough time where the only three people in school who would talk to me (and only to tell me how fat or gay or pathetic i was) decided we were no longer "friends". and for a long while i'd stand in the kitchen with the biggest knife we had pressed against my throat, praying for the strength to push in.

- Do you prefer boxers or briefs?

boxer briefs. fun fact, i don't pay for underwear. i believe it's ridiculous that people should have to pay for something that everyone is expected to wear but no one can fucking see.

- Have you ever been in a fistfight?

twice. three times. maybe a couple more i'm not remembering at the moment.

- Do you have any hidden talents?

i can put my leg on top of my head with jeans on, without them i can put it behind.

- Who is your favourite person to talk to?

monica morales, but for true bliss there MUST be fried cheese, veggie burgers and tacos must be involved.

- Would you ever have sex before marriage?

a few months ago my entire life had to be sex before marriage.

- How do you vent your anger?

music.

- Have you ever been on a diet?

eat when you're hungry stop when you're not.

- Would you ever date someone younger than you? Older than you?

i like my boys older. and taller.

- What's the craziest rumor someone has spread about you?

that i was straight.

- Have you ever been diagnosed with a mental illness?

i'm clinically depressed.

- Have you ever wanted to murder someone?

twice.

- Have you ever hated someone?

twice.

- Do you prefer talking on the phone or online?

video chat online.

- Would you ever tell the person you have a crush on that you like them?

i have. twice.

- What is your favourite book?

the perk of being a wallflower. but you knew that already.

- Do you have a collection of anything?

music. that or clothing. both are out of control and i love it.

- Are you happy with the person you are becoming?

i'm happy with the person i've become.

- Are you a different person now then you were 5 years ago?

5 years ago i was in middle school.

- What do you see yourself as being in 5 years from now?

close to a teachers credential working in fashion.

- Are you happy with the life you have?

the day you stop living life on your terms, is the day you cease to live.

real post coming soon i SWEAR.

*obscure pop culture reference!

i'm hot, you're cold, you go around, like you know.

but you have no idea.

you may have been to a pride lately, 

but san francisco pride is a BEAST!

never in my life have a seen more penis outlines.

never.

in.

my.

life.

p.s.

jennifer schmohe, i am deeply sorry i missed your call.

i would have loved nothing more than to spend time with the two of you.

also please listen to your voicemail, where i explain the situation.

i just gotta let it go.

so i'm newly addicted to priscilla ahn.

she's amazing like you have no idea.

also, for some reason she's renewed my obsession with adele adkins,

which doesn't really make any kind of sense, but i'll talk it.

i'm reading looking for alaska, well that and the elle for july with mary-kate.

i just made a video response to christianity in a nutshell by tyler oakley

i'm pretty happy with it,

we'll see how other people feel about it.

workin' 8:30 to 6:15, what a way to make a living.

i am officially in love with steven, from stevieproductions.

not in a would-want-to-date-or-have-sex-with-him kind of way.

but in a we-should-totally-be-internet-best-friends style.

that being said, if he ever reads this, i'll be forced to vehemently deny that i was the creator of this post.

f is for friends who do stuff together.

"idk, like i thought she'd be really cool
but then i found out she's bat-shit crazy.

Like, she looks like the kind of person
who sits in their room
& tapes shit to her face."

my friends are better than yours.


U is for you and me,

N is for anywhere and anytime at all, down here in the deep blue sea.


nuff said.

my feelings are nothing but a curtain, hiding me from what i should know.

first day over.





jesus my feet hurt.




thankfully regina spektor heals all wounds.
charlotte sometimes may have played a part.


i know i haven't been posting as often lately,
that's because i've been making videos instead of writing.
i'm trying to strike a balance,
this is why i had so many problems with my journal follow through.


honestly i feel amazing being working in the city,
at such an amazing store;
i thought it would never happen
it's kind of a dream come true.


does that mean what i want is more important than what i know i need?

unfortunately i don't think so.

right under my feet is air made of bricks

so, i'm uber excited about my first un-official-but-still-getting-paid-for-it day.

but

 it feels like it's a fucking month away.

i thought i'd do fine with the waiting; when Fevi called me i was actually kind of relieved, but now i can't stand it.

i've been sleeping far too infrequently, so when i do manage to fall into a slumber it's for an inordinate amount of time;

 which is upsetting. 

hurry thursday, hurry fast.

i am extraordinary, if you'd ever get to know me

working nine to five, what a way to make a living

well, not exactly.

today was supposed to be my first non-official-but-still-getting-paid-for-it day at banana republic,

but then while i was at target 

(because where else would i be?)

i got a call, or should i say, missed a call from the hiring manager.

she said that there was no one to teach the orientation class

i secretly think that they just didn't want to miss the sex and the city midnight showing

cause we were going to cut it pretty close.

and that it would be rescheduled to next thursday.

which i'm totally fine with honestly;

because if today were both my first day at banana 

and 

the day i went to the midnight showing of the sex and the city movie...

my brain might have exploded and come out my nose in strings.

also,

in reference to the blog, 

i know i've been posting a lot lately but, 

one: a lot has been going on in my life lately, and i think the blog should reflect that.

two: once i get my job i think i'll be blogging less, so i want to preemptively make up for my absence;

even though i'm fairly certain that only like two people read this thing.

regardless of the number of readers, this is more for my sanity than anything else,

so there's that.

now back to the stalling, so i don't go crazy with anticipation.

i'm far too gay for my own good.

there's no room in my bed as far as i'm concerned

hottie clerk @ the courthouse: "hi can i help you?"

me: "i really hope so, i went to get my issue resolved but they told me i'd still have a hold on my license." 

(i got a ticket the night of my accident for not showing my registration card, 

i know, shitty, right? 

like yeah sorry your car is totaled but don't feel too bad, here's a ticket.)

hottie clerk: "yeah, those usually take a few days to clear up."

me: "that's what the guy at the payment window said, 

but the problem is i'm about 600 miles away from anyone i know, so i can't go home."

hottie clerk: "i'd give you a ride"

me: i just looked at him with my mouth open a bit

hottie clerk: here i'll take care of it for you.

(combined with a borderline inappropriate  smile)

me: thanks...

and that was how my court visit ended.

i didn't hate it.

i don't hate these either... they're actually my favorites.

or court ordered therapy sessions.

i cough for no man.

playing hard to get is overrated.

motherfucker would burn shit down.

so much for the magic of jesus' love.

i smile more when i belong.

nobody puts baby in a corner.

those beady black eyes haunt my dreams.

also, gas prices are rising at an alarming rate.

i can contain it... if i have to.

subtlety is my forte.

fool me once, shame on you...

so no web slinging then?

no justice. no peace.

who took the cookies from the cookie jar? YOU DID MOTHER FUCKER!

and verbal agreements are only legally binding in the state of nevada.

three cheers for accomplishing goals.

WE CAN AFFORD NO MORE DISTRACTIONS!!

good luck with things.

fuck you bernie goldman.

too far?

ninety-eight, ninety-nine, one hundred. totally worth it.

i don't judge your hobbies.

i told him the black one always dies first.

famous last words?

drop outs have the most fun.

the earth is our mother, we will not bury her.

a stranger is a just a friend you haven't met.

and tonight is a good TV night.

it started out as a feeling, which then turned into a hope

i know, i know

two posts in one day...

"who do i think i am?"

well i'll tell you who i think i am,

some one who just now got an official job offer from 

banana republic!

that's right bitches, i'm officially no longer unemployed

my orientation is on thursday from 5-9!

which i get paid for...

suck on that hennes & mauritz

oh and p.s.

this means i get 60% off banana republic merchandise,

50% off everything at the gap,

and 40% off stuff at old navy. (i'll probably never use this one, but whatever, i can if i want to)

oh, i almost forgot about the 45% i get off at all gap and banana republic outlet stores

i think journey said it best, 

don't stop believing,

suck it hard h&m!

that's not journey, but i still think it's totally valid.

will someone please call a surgeon. who can crack my ribs and repair this broken heart.

so i'm sitting here in my vintage apartment

wearing my favorite vintage cardigan

watching thee best newly vintage television show

as a refresher for the very non-vintage but equally fabulous movie debut.

current i'm re-experiencing the infamous downfall of carrie & aidan;

and it's moments like this,

as i sit on my tiny/adorable ikea couch

watching the heartbreak/confusion in sjp's eyes

as aidan days he needs her to marry him

so that the whole world knows that she is his;

and as she asks "who else's would i be?",

you can see that they both know who.

as i sip from my mega jug of cherry pepsi from the KFC around the corner

i think....

"unemployment ain't half bad."

p.s.

it's hot as a bitch outside.

i move 600 fucking miles away and what do i get? 

a heat wave.

nobody knows where they might end up, nobody knows.

this is an excellent week for gay people.

we're popping up like gangbusters, all over the place this week.

first we're outing our secret la-vas from a pysch program, who are dating our best friends, who are convinced that we're jealous of their boyfriends when in actuality we're jealous of them.

then a short three days later we're making out with our secret la-vas from the military while we're in the hospital for experimental brain surgery which we subsequently die from, then we have a hot make out session and experience another emotional outing, this time involving a parent!

so what if neither scenario depicts in a mentally or physically healthy manner

we're making out hardcore left and fucking right on prime time bitches.

left and fucking right.

monogamy is severely underrated

I’ve been busy doing my sex and the city pre-movie recap of the entire series (and I’m even more in love with the show if that was at all possible). So I’m watching the seventh episode of the first season called “the Monogamists” and it’s supposing all of these extremely upsetting ideals about relationships. The first being that you must formally announce that you won’t see other people. I mean maybe it’s just me, but I think that if you’re in a relationship then you should be present and thoughtful and committed in that relationship. Maybe things get more complicated as you get older (I hope not they’re plenty fucked up as it is) but I can’t imagine not wanting to be with just one person. There are millions of people who don’t have one person to share their lives with and you want TWO or THREE?! It’s completely ridiculous if you ask me.  

And then of course that begs the question what are you looking for? 

If I’m not enough for you then what does that say about you... what does that say about me?

Don’t even get me started on gay relationships in general. 

As if just because we can’t get married there’s no committal obligation. 

So I should cheapen my relationship because we can’t get some stupid certificate and quit having sex? 

Forgive me if i don't see the logic in this scenario. 

As far as i'm concerned when you decide to be in a relationship you decide to be faithful to one person. 

 

Does the lack of a ring equate to a free pass?

God I hope not.

If you’re in it, then be in it.