the flowers you gave me are rotting

here is the deepest secret nobody knows,

here is the root of the root,

and the bud of the bud,

in the sky of the sky, of a tree called life,

which grows higher than any soul can hope, or mind can hide.

and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart.

you don't really care for music; do you?

obligatory christmas blog!!!

or should i say o-blog-itory?

i shouldn't.

i went to my brother's again for dinner this year,

we played board/dvd/shouting-at-the-television-over-one-another games,

my nephews and brothers told jokes only people that love them would laugh at.

per usual.

it wasn't terrible,

but it wasn't terrific.

per usual.

i'm excited for the days when i'll spend my holidays with friends at our apartments,

i feel like the year that i have thanksgiving at my house is the year i'll be truly grown up.

ahh future, how you tease me.

so as i head off to bed;

 (i have to be at work at 7 in the morning)

i'll leave you with this my lovelies

i'm gonna fix my mind with a final destination.

about a week ago i recognized a few things within myself,

that i think i've known for a while,

but have never admitted,

i've found i can't - don't explain myself well,

who i am, what i want, what i'm feeling, et-cetera.

i keep it all inside,

and when i finally do talk,

i say far too much.

i expect people to know things,

bits of information about me, 

random truths, illustrating the person i've become,

things that i have no business expecting anyone to know.

i find myself waiting for the person who will pose questions no one considered asking.

i wanna feel how i want to feel forever.

all good things end badly, if they ever end at all.

i learned fast how to keep my head up

you should know that you're just a temporary fix,

this is not rooted with you,

it don't mean that much to me.

i'm over it,

i'm so not over it,

but i've resigned myself to the idea,

that i will no longer let myself go to a place,

where i allow him to upset me so much.

things are the way they are,

and there's nothing i can really do,

nothing productive anyway.

i've got a job interview on the 5th

and an orientation on the 8th.

things are looking up.

but...

although i think that i know things may never change,

i'm still hoping someday i might here you say:

i make you feel a way you've never felt before,

and i'm all you need and that you never want more,

then you'll say all of the right things without a clue,

and you'll be the one for me and me the one for you.

p.s.

mistakes aren't always regrets.

p.p.s.

i cannot wait for garlic bread and laughter.

take me above your life.

i'll be making some changes to the blog fairly soon...

how soon i'm not sure, 

but it won't be soon before long.

i'll keep you posted.

the walls are closing in, like darkness around me

not really,

i just have a new obsession

owl city.

p.s.

i'm "too young" and "too experienced"

to have the "proper amount of enthusiasm" for my recently-former job...

it's true,

but i still resent it.

i'm the only one in love.

aparently not all my subscribers feel the same way about me as i do about them...

i lost two followers on twitter,

AND a subscriber!

(more complete details in my next video.)

it's not even the followers, 

because whatever,

but honestly the subscriber bothers me, 

don't ask me why,

but even though i started making videos for myself,

once i people started to care i started making videos for both of us.

which is why i went on such a major guilt trip when i took youtube hiatus

(eight days.... it may not seem like a long time future me)

(but at this point in time it's the longest you've gone with out new material.)

and that's why i posted three videos in three days,

one of them being a subscriber thank you,

i made these ridiculously elaborate plans for when i hit 50,

(i am not now, nor was i ever expecting this to be soon)

(but when i say ridiculously elaborate, i mean it)

and i had finished it for 22 so far...

so then i'm talking to natalie and caitlin,

(note: when there are spaces i've talked to them separately)

and i go to check mah youtube for the first time today,

(i've been painting a LOT so i haven't been so obsessive)

now, when i went to bed this morning i had 32.

i check tonight and all of  a sudden i've got 31?!?

i'm upset,

probably more than i should be but whatever.

and i DON'T play favorites with my subscribers, 

but this one in particular

i compared my subscription emails with my subscriber list

is one whose videos i watch, and love.

and i'd be lying if i said that i don't love the idea that people i love on youtube, might totally love me back.

what i don't understand, 

is that this particular person went to 888,

and i from twitter i know the would have just been getting home,

when the unsubscription(?) would have happened.

 now i seem creepy

why now?

why even subscribe in the first place?

it's not like the videos are getting WORSE

they really could only get better.

so that totally ruined my day.

i'll get over it i'm sure.

it is what it is i guess...

what happens in my head stays in my head.

i'm watching What's Up, Doc? 

it is now my second favorite babs (barbara streisand) movie,

the first of course being Yentl.

i've decided that i'm going to get an '06 Saturn VUE

because it gets incredible gas milage as far as SUVs are concerned;

and also because, i dislike the recent remodel

in other news, the next city i live in will be chicago,

at the very least it will be the next city i visit.

i've been thinking a lot lately

a nasty habit i've taken up due to all this free time

and i decided that for a few months i'll work in town

i've been promised assistance getting the aforementioned VUE if i do this,

it will be really nice to live 5 minutes away from where i work.

if only for a short while.

then, once i have a vehicle i know can make the 30 minute drive,

i'll get that job at urban.

i say that like i'm the only thing standing between myself and a job there.

this post was much more interesting in my head,

although on the page it's just as informative.

so, i'll throw in some toothpaste for dinner,

and maybe something from a softer world if you play your cards right.

you: "where am i supposed to get cards?"

me: "don't you have any cards?"

you: "no... well maybe, but i'd have to go find them."

me: "well i can't do everything for you."

you: "i don't much care for you attitude."

me: "well no one is twisting your arm to stay here."

you: "this is going nowhere."

me: "then just go down and look at the pictures already."

you: "well i never."

me: "well now you have."

worst news caster ever.

p.s.

i might be going to paris with natalie and caitlin,

if one ofrall of us wins the lottery because those ticket prices are STEEP.

it would be super amazing if we could go.

p.p.s.

natalie and caitlin, i'm super excited to talk to you tomorrow 

all face to face and junk.

it's gonna be great, i'm sure of it.

sorry in advance for avril lavigne/leonalewis/whatever-i-decide lip synch

p.p.p.s.

this is a first,

i'm rereading the 6th harry potter book 

instead of the 7th 

because the movie is coming out in one hundred twelve days.

i have a countdown thing on my computer

i'm no where near that creepy...

well, not about harry potter.

it's always gotta be the same

but not today.

we went bowling tonight,

and i LOVE bowling.

(pictures of our bowling adventures will go here as soon as i find my camera cord.)

(there might even be a couple video clips, we'll see)

and then on friday we're going to the beach,

FINALLY!

i'm going to listen to regina spektor the whole drive down.

also, i'm going to  re-read the Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows for it's anniversary

it will be fantastic.

wait till you guys see the shorts i'm wearing.... they're much too short to be appropriate, and they're bright emerald green.

(i'll put a picture here)

i really hope it's not ridiculously hot.

all good things end badly, if they ever end at all...

i got to hang out with tessa in san francisco for a few hours today.

i also picked up my first pay check from the republic today,

it was amazing, well it was 200 bucks, 

but that was just for orientation and the meetings and classes they have you go to.

with it i bought a super cute shirt and food at the wolfgang puck cafe in macy's

then i came home and made a video,

after which...

i started packing.

it's kinda sad, but all in all i know it's for the best, 

and it helps that i'll be back up here soon, once my dad gets back on his feet

(literally and figuratively)

also, the last few months before college all i wanted to do was sleep,

and strangle both my parents

so it'll be nice to go home and be with them for a while.

the first couple weeks that i'll be in victorville my parents will be on vacation.

so i'm greatly anticipating hanging out with everyone i haven't seen in ages.

my first order of business is take melissa to bullwinkle's family fun center, 

or somewhere equally as lame and fantastic.

it will have a photobooth somewhere on the premises,

there will be pictures taken,

games will be played,

causing tickets to be won,

and then redeemed for ridiculously unnecessary superfluous items.

to put it simply fun will be had.

get ready bitches!

these wounds are self inflicted.

i'm not even sure gamma radiation would do anything...

by the way,
it's official,
i'll be back in victorville on the 6th.

get ready for some awesomeness bitches.

there's no room in my bed as far as i'm concerned

hottie clerk @ the courthouse: "hi can i help you?"

me: "i really hope so, i went to get my issue resolved but they told me i'd still have a hold on my license." 

(i got a ticket the night of my accident for not showing my registration card, 

i know, shitty, right? 

like yeah sorry your car is totaled but don't feel too bad, here's a ticket.)

hottie clerk: "yeah, those usually take a few days to clear up."

me: "that's what the guy at the payment window said, 

but the problem is i'm about 600 miles away from anyone i know, so i can't go home."

hottie clerk: "i'd give you a ride"

me: i just looked at him with my mouth open a bit

hottie clerk: here i'll take care of it for you.

(combined with a borderline inappropriate  smile)

me: thanks...

and that was how my court visit ended.

i didn't hate it.

i don't hate these either... they're actually my favorites.

or court ordered therapy sessions.

i cough for no man.

playing hard to get is overrated.

motherfucker would burn shit down.

so much for the magic of jesus' love.

i smile more when i belong.

nobody puts baby in a corner.

those beady black eyes haunt my dreams.

also, gas prices are rising at an alarming rate.

i can contain it... if i have to.

subtlety is my forte.

fool me once, shame on you...

so no web slinging then?

no justice. no peace.

who took the cookies from the cookie jar? YOU DID MOTHER FUCKER!

and verbal agreements are only legally binding in the state of nevada.

three cheers for accomplishing goals.

WE CAN AFFORD NO MORE DISTRACTIONS!!

good luck with things.

fuck you bernie goldman.

too far?

ninety-eight, ninety-nine, one hundred. totally worth it.

i don't judge your hobbies.

i told him the black one always dies first.

famous last words?

drop outs have the most fun.

the earth is our mother, we will not bury her.

a stranger is a just a friend you haven't met.

and tonight is a good TV night.