the walls are closing in, like darkness around me

not really,

i just have a new obsession

owl city.

p.s.

i'm "too young" and "too experienced"

to have the "proper amount of enthusiasm" for my recently-former job...

it's true,

but i still resent it.

hurry up and wait.

me: so i'm doing a survey for my latest blog entry because i'm too tired to be eloquent, but i really want to post something.

you: um, that's lame, it doesn't tell us anything new about your life.

me: actually scep-ta-kismo is does.

and besides this survey is adoreable.

you: .......

me: it's the most, to say the least.

you: the very least.*

-When was the last time you cried?

three months ago, before that, seven and a half years.

-What was the last lie you said?

we have to get the more expensive one, because the other one isn't mac compatible

-Have you ever cried during a movie?

i cried once during grey's anatomy, but we were 90% sure my mom was going to die the next day. so that's probably just coincidence.

- Who was the last person you couldn't take your eyes off of?

there's this icon i made and it's MESMERIZING.

-Have you ever danced in the rain?

i recorded myself doing it, then posted the video on youtube.

-Have you ever been drunk?

never have, never will.

-Have you ever tried tried drugs?

same

-Do you smoke?

i quit.

-What is your full name?

i was born roger brown III and my name was legally changed when i was adopted to roger lee house.

-What is your blood-type?

i have no idea, i've given blood four times (three of which ended badly) and they refuse to tell me.

- Have you ever been in a car accident?

two of them, neither my fault, one of them a hit and run that totaled my baby.

- How old were you when you recieved your first kiss?

5 maybe 4?

- Who was your first kiss?

dj, and you don't exchange last names in kindergarten

- Have you ever had an online relationship?

i've had several. none of them romantic, i'm not up for becoming a rape or homicide victim. thanks though.

- Have you ever had phone-sex?

both speech and text.

- What is your favourite sport to play?

driving... if nascar is a sport so is my driving. and i don't do it in circles.

- Is there anything that you have done that you regret?

regrets are for straight people.

- What do you want to be when you grow up?

either the editor of a major fashion magazine, or an elementary school teacher.

- Do you believe in god?

religion is the human reaction to being alive, and having to die.

- Do you believe in love at first sight?

that wouldn't be very fair to blind people.

- Do you believe in karma?

fundamentally yes.

- Who was your first crush?

dj probably.

- Who do yo uhave a crush on?

well he'll read this... so fuck that.

- How would you describe yourself?

pretty well, i've got an extensive vocabulary.

- What are you afraid of?

the dark a little, and relationships in general.

- Who was your first boyfriend/girlfriend?

i've only ever dated friends, and i've never really felt the need to label things.

- What is the best compliment you have ever recieved?

you are one of the most genuine people i've ever met.

- What is the meanest thing anyone has said about you?

i've been "fat" i'm whole life and in the first 3 months of high school i grew about 2 inches and lost about 20 pounds, and this girl looked at a picture of my from 6th grade and said i should keep working on it because i "still look[ed] huge."

- What is the longest crush/relationship you have had?

3 years i think, if not, then just under 3.

- What is your greatest strength?

my devotion to my friends, honestly i put everything i have into my relationships with the people i care about.

- What is your greatest weakness?

i lie about my feelings far too often.

- What is your first thought when waking up in the morning?

"what town am i in?" second thought: "fuck i have to pee."

- What is your first thought before you go to bed?

the lyrics to whatever song i fall asleep to.

- What college do you want to go to?

san francisco state, colombia college, university of washington, and nyu.

- Do you get along with your family?

not really, but lately that's for the better.

- Do you play any instruments?

i've played piano, alto sax, clarinet, tuba, and guitar. and except for tuba i was borderline terrible at all of them.

- Would you ever get a tattoo?

i WILL get the word "breathe" tattooed on my inner wrist in white-gold ink. because i honestly believe that sometimes that's all you can do not to give up. i REFUSE to give up.

- Who makes you laugh?

lately it's a three way tie between natalie, caitlin and margaret cho.

- Who would you want to be tied to for 24hours?

steven reca

- Have you ever seen a dead body?

both in and out of a casket.

- What is one thing scientists should invent?

something that can make you telepathic.

- What happens after you die?

you start to rot.

- What stereotype would you label yourself as being?

the white-black kid. but i was raised by white people, so do what you want with that.

- Would your friends agree with that stereotypic label?

they better.

- If yo ucould change your name, what would you change it to?

i'm going to change it to roger lee when both of my parents are gone.

- If you could go back in time to one point in your life, where would you go

i'd go forward.

- If you could change anything about yourself, what would you change?

i'd keep loosing weight, which all part of the plan. THIRTY POUNDS since high school.

- Have you ever played strip poker?

i was the dealer, it's much more fun.

- Would you ever lie to someone to make them feel good about themselves?

i would, and i have. but only when nothing can be done about the matter at the moment. and i never volunteered.

- What do you want your friends to think about you?

they love me, and i love the, if not then we're not really friends.

- Whats the biggest argument you've ever gotten into?

someone i trusted lied to our mutual friends to distance me from them so she could get closer to them. she was a righteous thunder cunt, and everything worked out for the best.

- Do you make wishes on shooting stars?

i made a wish on 9 of them during a meteor shower last month.

- Whats the most you've ever eaten in one sitting?

a family size popcorn chicken from kfc. i'm fairly certain i threw up afterwards.

- Have you ever been in love?

i'm in love with 19 people, but that's just off the top of my head.

- Are you a morning person or a night person?

when i've had my 8 hours, i'm an all day person. that being said; i despise heat.

- Have you ever been to the hospital (other then birth)?

my parents have both been in and out of hospitals since i was born... that's what happens when you're parents are 68 when you're 19

- How many screen names do you have?

at least 23, i only remember the passwords to like 7.

- Do any medical problems run in your family?

i've never met anyone that i'm related to that i know of.

- Have anyone ever been disowned from your family?

quite literally; i was left on a doorstep.

- Do you say meaner things to your friends or your enemies?

who the fuck would do that?

- Would you ever pay for a prostititue?

balloon-and-cigarette-stomp-porn-comedy-variety-troupe.

- Have you ever laughed so hard you peed in your pants?

i've never peed my pants.

- Have you ever attempted suicide?

when i was like 9 i went through this really rough time where the only three people in school who would talk to me (and only to tell me how fat or gay or pathetic i was) decided we were no longer "friends". and for a long while i'd stand in the kitchen with the biggest knife we had pressed against my throat, praying for the strength to push in.

- Do you prefer boxers or briefs?

boxer briefs. fun fact, i don't pay for underwear. i believe it's ridiculous that people should have to pay for something that everyone is expected to wear but no one can fucking see.

- Have you ever been in a fistfight?

twice. three times. maybe a couple more i'm not remembering at the moment.

- Do you have any hidden talents?

i can put my leg on top of my head with jeans on, without them i can put it behind.

- Who is your favourite person to talk to?

monica morales, but for true bliss there MUST be fried cheese, veggie burgers and tacos must be involved.

- Would you ever have sex before marriage?

a few months ago my entire life had to be sex before marriage.

- How do you vent your anger?

music.

- Have you ever been on a diet?

eat when you're hungry stop when you're not.

- Would you ever date someone younger than you? Older than you?

i like my boys older. and taller.

- What's the craziest rumor someone has spread about you?

that i was straight.

- Have you ever been diagnosed with a mental illness?

i'm clinically depressed.

- Have you ever wanted to murder someone?

twice.

- Have you ever hated someone?

twice.

- Do you prefer talking on the phone or online?

video chat online.

- Would you ever tell the person you have a crush on that you like them?

i have. twice.

- What is your favourite book?

the perk of being a wallflower. but you knew that already.

- Do you have a collection of anything?

music. that or clothing. both are out of control and i love it.

- Are you happy with the person you are becoming?

i'm happy with the person i've become.

- Are you a different person now then you were 5 years ago?

5 years ago i was in middle school.

- What do you see yourself as being in 5 years from now?

close to a teachers credential working in fashion.

- Are you happy with the life you have?

the day you stop living life on your terms, is the day you cease to live.

real post coming soon i SWEAR.

*obscure pop culture reference!

oh what a night is tonight.

so tonight has been amazing.

today though i had my job orientation 

mentioned previously in yesterday's blog

and i had to watch ANOTHER video with detailed instructions on how to lift a box.

i swear to god 

if you don't know how to pick up a box by age 18 you deserve to throw your back out

i'm just saying.

then i came home and promptly fell asleep

because my parent's old age is rubbing off on me...

which means bowling as well as "the plan" is postponed till sometime later this week.

tonight though at like midnight i got brownies,

and the GQ with james franco on the cover!

which only has a FOUR PAGE spread, which is bullshit, because that thing is huge.

while i was out i picked up a frosty,

because it would be stupid not to.

and then i was a part of a basketball shorts/hot boys who play music party,

i'm still a part of it actually.

yay from fattie foods, hot boys, and massive amounts of clothes.

speaking of which

my laundry is FINALLY done aaaaand,

my closet is full,

and so are my big and small laundry baskets,

AND so is my rolling hamper.

and there's still a load of laundry on my bed.

p.s.

apparently my ex boyfriend works the night shift at walgreens. :I

oh what a day is today.

i'm fairly  damn certain i've written here since the 14th,

but for some reason there's no sign of that here.

and OF COURSE i don't remember what i wrote.

(my sleeping patterns have been all kinds of fucked up)

but basically,

my orientation is tomorrow morning/afternoon...

it's at noon thirty.

so i'll have more information about that,

and then i've got some plans for BOWLING.

i know i just went like three weeks ago.

OH i found my memory card adapter so i will be updating those posts with pictures and videos.

i'll link to them in the post i make tomorrow with orientation information.

but i'm still completely excited, 

because there's a mission that's in the planning stages.

which you'll know more about if it's a success,

and i'll pretend that i have no idea what you're talking about if it fails.

so basically this post is say that my other post is gone, 

and that the next post will be fantastic.

almost 100 times better than this one.

probably more.

p.s.

it's laundry day again,

and monica is AMAZING!

evidentiary support:

everybody agrees

i'm sick.

also, i'm in love with adele's new song.

it's on her myspace.

http://www.myspace.com/adelelondon

i want to go to france... but sober.

p.s.

reruns of "sister, sister" remind how far television actors have come in the last decade.

i long for something more.

so i'm sitting here;

watching ingrid michaelson videos on youtube,

and eating some very gay* sugar cookies.

and i'm thinking about my day...

have you ever wondered what would happen

if you painted something 

and then it decided it wasn't too keen on staying painted?

well...

that my friends is what it looks like,

 when two layers of primer

and two layers of paint,

hate crime you.

so now that i've wasted three days painting things;

leaving me unable to record a video.

i still have to come up with something else to do for a fresh look

furniture wise

for mah bedroom.

this should be fun/tedious...

now don't get me wrong;

i'm not totally broken up about it.

i love to paint, and have nothing to do until the 19th

my orientation for work.

so it was nice to have a distraction

from the sheer and utter boredom.

oh and we got a full refund on the klan paint.

so all is definitely not lost.

p.s.

i will most likely be putting up a video tomorrow...

i won't promise anything,

because that's entirely dependent on my neighbor.

the reason for this being that,

by some miracle,

her son has the same exact bed i do,

but in the "medium brown" variety,

(mine is the "birch veneer")

and they might be getting rid of it,

so i might buy that one from her.

(since we're friends with her, it'll cost about as much as more paint would)

if i don't post on the tube,

then i'll embed the ridiculous facebook video,

 (i made for natalie and caitlin) 

on here.

then i'll do a legit video once everything is sorted out. : ]

*i hate when i use words the way they're defined,

(like queer and gay)

and people jump all over me, 

because they're either too stupid or lazy 

to consider that i might not be using colloquialisms.

venting complete.

i'm the only one in love.

aparently not all my subscribers feel the same way about me as i do about them...

i lost two followers on twitter,

AND a subscriber!

(more complete details in my next video.)

it's not even the followers, 

because whatever,

but honestly the subscriber bothers me, 

don't ask me why,

but even though i started making videos for myself,

once i people started to care i started making videos for both of us.

which is why i went on such a major guilt trip when i took youtube hiatus

(eight days.... it may not seem like a long time future me)

(but at this point in time it's the longest you've gone with out new material.)

and that's why i posted three videos in three days,

one of them being a subscriber thank you,

i made these ridiculously elaborate plans for when i hit 50,

(i am not now, nor was i ever expecting this to be soon)

(but when i say ridiculously elaborate, i mean it)

and i had finished it for 22 so far...

so then i'm talking to natalie and caitlin,

(note: when there are spaces i've talked to them separately)

and i go to check mah youtube for the first time today,

(i've been painting a LOT so i haven't been so obsessive)

now, when i went to bed this morning i had 32.

i check tonight and all of  a sudden i've got 31?!?

i'm upset,

probably more than i should be but whatever.

and i DON'T play favorites with my subscribers, 

but this one in particular

i compared my subscription emails with my subscriber list

is one whose videos i watch, and love.

and i'd be lying if i said that i don't love the idea that people i love on youtube, might totally love me back.

what i don't understand, 

is that this particular person went to 888,

and i from twitter i know the would have just been getting home,

when the unsubscription(?) would have happened.

 now i seem creepy

why now?

why even subscribe in the first place?

it's not like the videos are getting WORSE

they really could only get better.

so that totally ruined my day.

i'll get over it i'm sure.

it is what it is i guess...

he's a real lover

OF CATS WITH STUFF ON THEM.

it all started with caitlin asking me for a graphic with her and natalie and kittens.

the first question i asked

of course

can the kittens be wearing hats?

and thus these pictures came into my realm of consciousness.

i don't know what it is about this last one, but i can't look at it without laughing.

from my heart flow

so i redid my blog header thing. you know, the thing right above the post you're reading right now. 

i like how it turned out A LOT,

but i'm sure i'll just keep changing it as i see fit.

the person who can tell me who/what is each in square, gets the title of my new favorite person.

it's been 8 days since i made a video!

i know i'm a terrible vlogger,

but i just hate to record in this tiny lifeless room,

and i don't want to record in the living room when the house isn't empty.

i know there are like 70+ people that end up seeing the videos,

but it's just different to have to some be able to hear/see you "in the act"

while i busy updating my blogger thing, 

i went ahead a did a little redesign for my desktop background...

click it and you can see the full size version.

it all started when i couldn't find a wallpaper i liked online,

so i thought i'd make my own, 

i made a few (non-fantastic) cute boy/band backgrounds,

but i always got tired of looking at the same thing.

so i set the thing to change every 15 minutes or something,

but i  realized i'd rather see everything at once.

thus the blogger pic and my desktop were born.

so 198 random pictures on my computer turned into 125x125 icons & about five hours later.

my personalized background was born.

hope you don't hate it!

but honestly if you do it's okay because i LOVE it.

p.s.

I WILL MAKE AT LEAST ONE VIDEO TOMORROW,

so look forward to that, 

i try just promising myself, 

but that almost never works,

and when i tell you guys about it, 

i feel obligated.

in a good way.