hold my hand while you cut me down.

i'm sorry i haven't felt like posting

or recording

i just don't have it in me.

i'm sorry.

i'm a terrible person

okay, so my dad NEVER complains like EVER about anything,

and we're sure he's always in a reasonable amount of pain,

(he's had trouble walking for at least a year)

and today he's staying in bed not wanting to do anything

(he had three "accidents" yesterday and  couple already today)

he's got a doctor's appointment tomorrow

none of this is why i'm terrible, 

that's coming

yesterday i was watching grey's anatomy

and if you watch the show you know meridith's mother,

she has alzheimer's, 

and doesn't have the slightest idea most of the time who meridith is,

well, they brought her into the hospital,

 where meredith works,

 they're rolling her in,

and she's just screaming

she doesn't know who anyone is,

 and she's fighting everyone,

 and just screaming at Meredith to leave, 

yelling for her to leave,

"WHAT DID I TELL YOU, 'NEVER BOTHER ME AT WORK!'."

i kind lost it,

like instant tears,

only for a second,

but it was this intense burst of crippling sadness,

and it kinda freaked me out

later in the episode,

 she finds out her mom might have liver cancer,

 and hopes secretly that she does

only she's wracked with guilt

 because 

"what kind of person wishes their mother had cancer?"

i'm terrible because he's my father,,

and i hope that tomorrow at the appointment,

they find something that means he has to go to the hospital,

and then at the hospital,

they find something they would have to operate on,

and because both my parents hearts are shot,

during his last triple bypass, 

(yes there were others),

he had a stroke,

(thus the trouble walking),

and he was a vegetative state for three whole days,

surgery would kill him,

but then he would get to die on the table,

in his sleep...

i wouldn't have to watch him fall apart,

it's already starting,

 and i know i can't do it,

i can't watch him slowly die,

 and so i hope there's something wrong with him.

 that's terrible to hope for anyone,

let alone your father.

i can't help wishing it though,

 a series of events that would lead to a painless death,

he started laughing at my jokes the other day,

and asking me how i felt,

he's never done either.

he doesn't laugh at ANYTHING other than cops,

and that's only when it's really funny.

and he never asks anyone how they feel

and would never answer the question himself,

with any answer other than fine.

and now, today, he felt horrible.

i saw the look in my dad's face,

 when we would visit his mother,

she only knew who he was part of the time,

it slowly ripped him apart.

i also sat in the car with my mom,

after we visited my grandfather in the facility.

he couldn't breathe on his own for 4 years before he died.

she would just sob silently,

they were almost 50 when it happened to them.

i can't do it,

not now,

not at 19.

your eyes burn like stars

i FINALLY got my ipod rendezvous in the park tonight.

if you're in victorville too long,

and you're NOT insane,

then you slowly being TO GO insane with hatred for the town,

and most of the people in it.

it was so peaceful,

and there was this point,

while build the moon was playing,

and all of a sudden the darkness wasn't darkness,

it was MILLIONS upon BILLIONS of tiny stars shining dimly,

millions of billions of miles away.

it was tremendously comforting...

playlist:

because i'm SURE you were wondering.

Melt My Heart To Stone - Adele

The Ice Is Getting Thinner - Death Cab for Cutie

I Have Waited - Kiersten Holine

Breakable - Ingrid Michaelson

Blonde On Blonde - Nada Surf

Melt My Heart To Stone - Adele

We Are Broken - Paramore

You Are Goodbye - Holly Conlan

Build the Moon - Charlotte Sometimes

Secret - Missy Higgins

Franklin - Paramore

I'm A Broken Heart - The Bird and the Bee

Happily Never After - Nicole Scherzinger

Eyes Like Stars - Faulter

Different Names for the Same Thing - Death Cab for Cutie

Now and Then - Adele

also,

i'm re-watching every grey's anatomy ever,

in preparation for the impending new season.

THURSDAY BITCHES

alone in my little world.

i miss him more than i should,

more than i thought i could.

also,

i'm an idiot.

you don't know me at all.

dear friend,

all my shows start soon,

i went over to melissa's today,

we watched some behind the scenes stuff from ugly betty,

which of course made me UBER excited for the new season.

i love this week,

the first week all the shows come back,

setting the stage for all new seasons,

even more so after last year's strike.

(which broke my heart more than i'd like to admit)

i still wish i had a job though,

i don't really need the money right now,

but waiting for november is proving more tedious than i originally planned.

then there's the possibility i wont even get the job once i'm ale to apply again,

of course i hope i do,

it's part of the new life plan i've come up with.

(more on that once i've worked out the kinks)

till next time,

roger

p.s.

did you ever wish you could un-experience something?

just so you could feel it happen all over again.

i've been getting that feeling a lot lately.

it's not that i don't know why,

i just wish it were possible.

green eyes you're the spotlight.

i need to get my ipod back, 

more than ever.

i'm just a little bit caught in the middle

i need a job, 

or at least somewhere to go.

i can't just be here watching tv and doing nothing.

in the past three weeks i've download and listened to the discography of at least 12 bands and artists,

seen four house episodes,

17 movie in and out of theaters,

researched apartments in various areas of greater chicago,

run out of deodorant,

sent irving (the ipod) and miles III (the env) to get replaced,

got miles back,

no irving till next wednesday thought...

which is fitting seeing as all i want to do lately is go to  park and listen to my ipod,

i just want to be able to phase everything out,

like i could before.

the stars the are watching.

tonight i made a wish on a star.

what's the harm in believing?

when we get home, i know we won't be home at all.

summer makes people think,

well it makes me think.

things here are more different now than they ever were before.

i don't feel like i have anything to prove to anyone anymore.

i know who i am,

i know where i want to go,

i know who i want to be,

i know what it takes to get there,

and i know that things aren't always going to be easy,

mostly because they haven't been up until this point.

there's so much more i want to say here,

but my eloquence is lacking,

so i'll give it some thought and get back to you.

update

i had no idea that it was september 11th until they said so on the news.

i don't feel bad about that.

i refuse to believe that it takes a tragedy

to make you think about all the small things.

there's not a day that goes by that i don't think about loss.

i know that's because of who i am,

who my parents are.

from a very young age i've known that i only had so much time with my parents;

about 40 years less than everyone else if i'm lucky.

so i don't feel bad that i forgot, that today, 8 years ago, all those people died.

because everyday i feel horrible that things end,

that all at once they're never the same,

that they can't be.

yes on this day,

8 years ago,

people's mothers,

and daughters,

and sisters,

and fathers,

and brothers,

and sons,

all died.

but people loose each other everyday.

what about the people who died the day after?

and everyday before?

and everyday since?

do their deaths not matter as much because they televised?

everyone deserves to be remembered,

it shouldn't take a national tragedy.

remember everyday.

be careful with your heart

so this youtube sitch... 

(thank you kim possible)

i'm trying to work it out,

when i do they'll be two new videos up,

both of questionable quality,

but that's nothing new.

in other news

because until recently 

i never considered that people reading this 

wouldn't automatically watch the videos 

and thus don't give two shits about how many i'll be uploading

when i was making more icons for the blog,

i started thinking about the things i want to display,

and i thought how i only want things that really matter,

then it brought me back to why i started this in the first place,

it was for me,

because i needed something,

someplace to write all of the things i think.

so for the most part this will be the last post that regularly mentions videos separately,

from now on it's only how they affect me.

that being said, 

i'm going to be writing more personal things,

they won't always be funny,

they won't always make you feel better when you've finished reading them,

but they will be completely honest.

for the first time in my life,

i need to something for myself,

with out worrying about what other people will think.

that's why i started this,

so that's how i'm going to keep it going.

the videos are going to stay the same,

because i'm not a big heap of emotion all the time,

but when i am i have to know that i have someplace to put my thoughts.

they say that the internet is a horrible place to meet people,

because you only see what they want you to see,

that was true for me.

until now.

your heart has a lack of colour,

and i should have known.

youtube REFUSES to let me post a video longer than 4 seconds,

bee tee double you; that took like 17 upload attempts to figure out.

i hope you appreciate this,

also i'm sorry youtube is being a thunder cunt.

of epic proportions i might add.

p.s.

i'm GETTING one of these!

click to enlarge

there's a soulmate for everyone

while going through some things i found my favorite socks.

to answer your completely justified question,

i bought two pair of argyle socks,

5 years ago at a hot topic,

 about 50 miles south of my current location,

the right yellow one now has a hole in it, 

but i liked them tremendous amounts,

so i wear the left yellow one,

and then the green right one as a stand in.

i know what you're thinking,

and yes, 

i do have an affliction to random things,

ridiculous objects and articles of clothing that no one would ever need.

exhibits a-j:

in no particular order

two of these items are from the women's section,

but i don't give a fuck, 

cause they're adorable.

but you'd know all this if you kept up with my wishlist,

located on my profile page...

p.s.

i tried changing a bunch of things on the blog,

(font, colors, layouts)

but i hated all the new stuff,

it's back to the way it was,

if you visited the blog between 2-6 yesterday

then you saw the difference,

and i'm sure you understand the decision.

do you feel alive?

well, my ipod doesn't.

it just hate crimed the fuck out of me.

fucking white ipods.

okay maybe it didn't "hate crime" me.

but it did sad mac,

you know like carries computer in season three.

what the fuck apple,

now i've got to call tech support.

which, if you know me is one of my LEAST favorite things to do.

take me above your life.

i'll be making some changes to the blog fairly soon...

how soon i'm not sure, 

but it won't be soon before long.

i'll keep you posted.

being a bitch is not why i got into music.

so i love the new 90210, 

or, as i'll be calling it, 902102

i'm addicted already, 

i'll vlog about it tomorrow probably.

i spent most, if not all of today, attempting to finish my room.

i know, what has it been like 5 months?

in dog years maybe.

in other news,

I FOUND MAH BOOTS

so i'll leave with a few pictures of me enjoying them,

in my new-kinda-almost-finished-room.

i scuffed my wall...

aaaaaand almost knocked over my computer taking the last one.

you're welcome.

i bought a one way ticket

because i knew i'd never see the ground,

unless i was on a jet plane,

& it was going DOWN.

so tonight was the season premiere of GOSSIP GIRL

aaaaaaaaaaannnnnnnnnd

ONE TREE HILL.

also there was a brand new episode of the hills,

along with a new closer,

which i LOVE.

all in all, 

tonight was amazing.

the only downside,

the new episode of the closer came on

at the exact same time as one tree hill,

and because i'm in love with oth

i have to stay up until midnight in order to see the closer...

this is unfortunate,

if only because my parents age is rubbing off on me,

and i'm already uuuuuuber tired

exhibit a:

p.s.

i'm still totally obsessed owl city,

it's becoming unhealthy.

but i'm totally okay with that.