your head is aching, i'll make it better...

you know how sometimes, 

you'll listen to a song (or an artist)

so often, or so many times through,

that you sing along quietly to yourself without even realizing it.

then that same song will become ridiculously popular,

and so it's played about a billion times,

on top of the countless times you've already heard it;

in your car, your room, on your ipod, wherever...

so you take a break from it,

and then one day, without meaning to,

you'll hear it again,

and realize that over all that time,

and all those plays,

you've forgotten how amazing it was,

and why you loved it so much in the first place.

that happened to me today,

for the first time in a long time;

and i forgot how much i love this feeling.

cause i love you more than i could ever promise,

and you take me the way i am.

chaque fois que tu ton va, je pretend que tu fais bien.

Il était une fois, nous étions un

Maintenant nous ne sommes plus, nous sommes des choses détachées

Votre baiser, je l'oublie

Je ne connais plus votre peau

Je ne dis plus votre nom

i should have taken french in high school.

you are SO sweet.

Dance Anthem of the 80s

we left home, and never looked behind

i am:

afraid,

fearful,

scared,

and terror-stricken.

i am terrified.

i am:

shaking,

flailing,

sinking,

and gasping for breath.

i am drowning.

i am:

broken,

damaged,

fragmented,

malfunctioning,

and cracked.

i am not okay.

every little bump in the road i tried to swerve

people are people, and sometimes, it doesn't work out.

on the road that is my life, 

it seems as though as soon as i fill one major pot hole

two smaller ones have a habit of popping up in it's place.

it's not to say that these new problems are insurmountable, 

but it's getting to the point 

where there are all these smaller holes keep cropping up,

too quickly to be filled it or avoided.

i'm not like other 19 year olds,

there are several reasons for this, 

the most immediate one as of late being:

that on any given morning,

instead of be woken up by the alarm on my phone,

there is a very real change that i'll be jolted awake

by the prods of my father,

telling me that my mother,

(who gave away her oxygen machine)

didn't wake up when he went in to talk to her that day.

or the panicked movement of my father,

informing me that my mom has had one of her blackouts,

only this time she didn't just hit a wall or the floor

but instead clipped a table or chair.

there's even the chance that neither one will be home,

and they'll have gotten into a car accident ,

(a scenario that seems more and more plausible as they approach 70)

one they simply couldn't walk away from.

because of the feasibility of any one of these situations, 

i have to be ready at any given moment,

to live my life without my them,

which means that these small pot holes,

become daunting and intimidating.

a long time ago

i became determined not to be blindsided by the loss of my parents.

as such i've been trying to mentally prepare,

but as they get older,

and i remain incapable of dealing with my issues;

i'm beginning to see that knowing it's coming,

and be ready for the events in question

are two very different things.

but instead of dealing with it out right,

my tactic of choice these days

seems to be avoidance.

i'm passing the flashing "END OF HIGHWAY" sign,

speeding past the "last exit"

and the only hope i have at this point

is that my road turns into a surface street

and doesn't just dead end.

p.s.

i never was very good with extended metaphors.

as such, i'll probably re-write this when i'm feeling more clear.

spoiler alert:

it'll probably be re-worked into a hyperbolic drowning sequence.

you belong with me.

those homos need to CUT. THE. SHIT.

this is the billionth time this year that i've had a fashion/accessory/bag epiphany,

i get this vision in my head of the PERFECT item and commence searching;

then while i'm scouring all my favorite sites i find it!

whatever i'm looking for, 

EXACTLY as i imagined it.

but it's ALWAYS d&g,

and is therefore about 1.5 million dollars.

damn those queers and their exquisite design aesthetic!

i need to get my happy ass on a game show or something.

maybe deal or no deal so i can lick my knuckles right before that germ-a-phoebe mandell fist bumps me.

i do NOT fist bump,

unless i get something out of it.