i'm gonna fix my mind with a final destination.

about a week ago i recognized a few things within myself,

that i think i've known for a while,

but have never admitted,

i've found i can't - don't explain myself well,

who i am, what i want, what i'm feeling, et-cetera.

i keep it all inside,

and when i finally do talk,

i say far too much.

i expect people to know things,

bits of information about me, 

random truths, illustrating the person i've become,

things that i have no business expecting anyone to know.

i find myself waiting for the person who will pose questions no one considered asking.

give me something i want to be: retro glamour.

i've had an epiphany,

a fashion epiphany.

i find all i can think about is this monogram coat

after working at h&m and banana republic,

i've noticed my tastes have changed,

my obsessions have gone from cute hoodies and boot cut jeans...

to waist, pea, and trench coats.

(both double breasted and macintosh)

i'm not upset about it per say,

it's actually really exciting.

the only problem...

the coat pictured above costs FIVE HUNDRED DOLLARS.

so there's that.

f.y.i.

i care about natalie and caitlin more than you know.

i wanna feel how i want to feel forever.

all good things end badly, if they ever end at all.

you know me well, you know me better than this.

i'm up far too early for this sales meeting thing.

i'm deep in a sea of meiko.

i've come to terms with the fact that i should have never been friends with david in the first place.

i bought a new super thick vest for chicago.

(to be worn when layering of course)

it's 24 degrees there right now, and i can't wait for january.

twilight was an amazing movie,

(cinematically speaking it was good, 

but the hopeless romantic in me just loved the outpouring of honest emotion)

if i don't get my clothes out of the dryer and leave in the next 15 minutes i'm going to be late.

why aren't you sorry?

so it's official,
i have no best friend.

i don't want to make it sound like i'm totally crushed,
because i'm not,
honestly i've been looking for a way out for a while.

i guess i didn't think that i'd get one,
i thought maybe he'd listen for once,
but three years and over 900 conversations,
and he won't answer the phone.

the truth is,
he wasn't there,
all i needed was someone to listen,
and when i told him about my dad,
about how i didn't think i could keep going,
not like this,
and he asked if going to in-n-out twice in one week was a bad idea.

i can't be a part of that anymore.
i don't have any more to give.
for these last 12 months i've given up so much.

a piece of me went to the college,
where i was forced into a life where i had no say,
some went to the apartment,
where i found out a gas leak almost killed myself and tessa,
a big part went to the driver of that delivery truck,
the one that changed who i was, and stole the one thing i had that was just mine and no one else's,
and the last of it went to this town,
that's slowly taking everything else.


i'm glad i'm out.

if we can just get through this one.

i have a new obsession,

(besides my re-obsessions with haines and heap)

by the start of the new year i want to get onto lookbook,

it's exactly what it sounds like.

you take pictures of yourself in various "looks"

since i'm completely consumed by fashion, 

and continue to dress myself daily,

i figure why not?

this whole internet-working thing i started was preserve who i am now,

for the me that will come later.

and there's nothing i love more right now that fashion

(ok it may be tied with music)

this is the best way to showcase my style,

also the hugely self obsessed part of me,

along with the most of the ocd outfit making parts,

will love coming up with looks to post on the site.

there's this application process i'll have to go through,

since i don't know any of the current members,

(i'm working on it though)

so the next post (or the one after) will be various looks

that the site admissions people(?) 

can take a look at to see "what i'll bring to the site."

i'll just be happy to have something to focus on.

p.s.

as soon as i get accepted (positive thinking?)

i'm going to invite jenny and natalie to the site,

because they NEED more cute americans.

p.p.s.

it rained ALL DAY today,

things are looking up.