the flowers you gave me are rotting

here is the deepest secret nobody knows,

here is the root of the root,

and the bud of the bud,

in the sky of the sky, of a tree called life,

which grows higher than any soul can hope, or mind can hide.

and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart.

your head is aching, i'll make it better...

you know how sometimes, 

you'll listen to a song (or an artist)

so often, or so many times through,

that you sing along quietly to yourself without even realizing it.

then that same song will become ridiculously popular,

and so it's played about a billion times,

on top of the countless times you've already heard it;

in your car, your room, on your ipod, wherever...

so you take a break from it,

and then one day, without meaning to,

you'll hear it again,

and realize that over all that time,

and all those plays,

you've forgotten how amazing it was,

and why you loved it so much in the first place.

that happened to me today,

for the first time in a long time;

and i forgot how much i love this feeling.

cause i love you more than i could ever promise,

and you take me the way i am.

chaque fois que tu ton va, je pretend que tu fais bien.

Il était une fois, nous étions un

Maintenant nous ne sommes plus, nous sommes des choses détachées

Votre baiser, je l'oublie

Je ne connais plus votre peau

Je ne dis plus votre nom

i should have taken french in high school.

we need to talk...

how long should i wait before i let you go?

whose side should i take when both of us are wrong?

whose eyes will you look in, when love is in your heart?

whose voice will serenade you to help you fall asleep?

just know that i love you,

even still,

even now,

even though we fell apart;

and i hope you'll be okay.

can't get my mind off of you.

1) i have my first "appointment to make-out" with someone, 

which is strange-exciting-weird-crazy-terrible-electrifying.

2) i love topman.

3) you knew that already, but i refuse to stop telling you about it or

4) showing what i buy each time.

5) did i mention i'm going back to SAN FRANCISCO 

(only for four days, BUT STILL)

6) i'm throwing in something i bought at forever21,

question: can purchases be practical and COMPLETELY ridiculous at the same time?

answer: in this instance, fuck yes they can.

p.s.

the reason i love those leggings is two fold.

a. just look at them

and b. wearing them (around my house) is like being naked, with less penis.

p.p.s.

don't worry jenny, 

that jacket is 100% polyurethane

p.p.p.s.

don't worry everyone else,

that's not as weird-awful as it sounds.

i wake up and you're gone,

i wake up and you're gone, 

the tv's still on,

so i sit, 

and i watch another rerun,

she is left all alone,

her lovers out to sea, 

and i can't help but feel,

that she is just like me.

and i gave all i could,

but it wasn't good enough,

and you said that you would be here before i woke up,

now you're gone.

i don't know why,

my heart still beats,

when i can't feel

anything.

cause i gave all i could,

but it wasn't enough,

and you said that you would be here before i woke up,

now you're gone, away

now you're gone, away.

why don't you take me with you?

come and take me with you.

come and take me with you.

come and take me with you.

cause i gave all i could 

but it wasn't good enough,

and you said that you would be here before i woke up,

now you're gone.

oh ohwoah oh

oh ohwoah oh

oh ohwoah ohhh, ah ah oh 

oh ohwoah oh

oh ohwoah oh

oh ohwoah ohhh, ah ah oh

oh ohwoah oh

oh ohwoah oh 

oh ohwoah ohhh, ah ah oh 

oh ohwoah oh

oh ohwoah oh

oh ohwoah ohhh, ah ah oh 

oh ohwoah oh

oh ohwoah oh

oh ohwoah ohhh

the future looks bright

maybe i'll blog everyday for the rest of march,.

not always with something amazing or profound,

but always something,

that way this time in my life isn't lost,

and i'll have some kind of record of what my life was like,

at the beginning of my time with forever 21;

because this has the potential to change my life,

it's why i haven't been posting,

or making videos, 

i need to put the whole of my concentration into this right now.

unfortunately that means i don't have a few hours to make a video that i'm proud of, and if i can't do that, then i refuse to do it halfway.

tomorrow i think i'll share with you "the saddest song in the world".

pee to the ess

i JUST got home from work.

i told you, this is kind of my life right now.

sorry, in advance

question, tell me what you think about this

what happens when i find him?

the guy who's sweet and thoughtful,

with his dark hair and light in his eyes.

then what happens if he loves me back?

we love all the same songs,

and hate things in the same ways.

then what happens if he decides i'm not enough,

we're not enough,

or worse, what if something horrible happens to him?

what do i do then?

who am i afterwards?

how do i get better, once i've had the best?

and finally,

is it crazy to miss a place that you've never been?

because i do;

it's all i can think about,

and some days, it's the only thing that keeps me sane.

i am a weapon of massive consumption...

but it's not my fault it's how i'm programmed to function.

okay so, 

i'm only halfway through 

and i'm sure i've eaten at LEAST 

three times as many sprinkles and white chocolate chips 

as i have vanilla fro-yo.

i have a serious problem. 

p.s.

i got my final paycheck from banana republic in the mail yesterday and i'm going to BUUUUUY SHIIIIIT!!!

(i started with pre-ordering the new lily allen album)

that is all.

training continues tomorrow,

i'm unleashing my slim jeans on the world.

i'm pretty sure it'll be fantastic.

we're supposed to accessorize,

and skinny jeans with boots are as far as i'm willing to go.

the new store will open some time in the near nondescript future

(because i signed a confidentiality agreement.)

i could be more excited but then i'd loose control of my bowels.

i'll leave you with happy mental image and update tomorrow. 

here's hoping it rains tomorrow.

it felt just like home

mitchell is back,

his files have been transfered back to him

for the most part

and now i have some MAJOR video editing and filming to do.

p.s.

it needs to be monday...

like yesterday,

SERIOUSLY.

also, my clothes come next week,

expect a look book of sorts.

for the first time in a very long time,

i know, i'll be okay...

1) i'm newly re-obssesed with my soft toned girl singers,

it's kiersten and emily and laura and meiko all over the place!

2) today was basically the best day i've had since i moved back down here.

i got a job at forever21

(they're opening a new one in the mall so it's permanent!)

then when i was getting a duplicate social security card

(you have to have it for orientation)

it started to rain,

and if you know me and this town,

then you know how rare and fantastic that is.

my new card will be here in two weeks,

and my orientation is on the 2nd.

p.s.

that reminds me, 

since i'll be halfway down on the 2nd anyway,

i'm going to visit a boy from my past...

i don't want to jinx anything, 

but i will say it's not who any of you think it is.

more on that later.

i sold my soul to jesus and since then i've had no fun.

the new year has gotten off to a rather positive start for the most part;

not to mention oozing laura marling.

on the 15th i go to chicago 

(and i've made appropriate wardrobe purchases for the occasion)

on the 16th i will officially no longer work at best buy

(maybe my soul will finally get time to recuperate 

from the slow steady crushing it's had to endure in the past months.)

who knows what comes next.

but i am hoping for something big in 2009;

even jesus would say i'm due for something good.

good riddance 2008.

p.s.

this is my first post of 2009

and my 100th post thus far.

why not celebrate it by looking back at the past year and change?

it's what i did.

oh and p.p.s

these are the things i bought for the trip;

(in case you were wondering)

they very well may be the best purchases i've made to date.

no your eyes are not playing tricks on you,

it is a purple cropped trench coat.

(and i have the only one in all of america)

you don't really care for music; do you?

obligatory christmas blog!!!

or should i say o-blog-itory?

i shouldn't.

i went to my brother's again for dinner this year,

we played board/dvd/shouting-at-the-television-over-one-another games,

my nephews and brothers told jokes only people that love them would laugh at.

per usual.

it wasn't terrible,

but it wasn't terrific.

per usual.

i'm excited for the days when i'll spend my holidays with friends at our apartments,

i feel like the year that i have thanksgiving at my house is the year i'll be truly grown up.

ahh future, how you tease me.

so as i head off to bed;

 (i have to be at work at 7 in the morning)

i'll leave you with this my lovelies

i'm gonna fix my mind with a final destination.

about a week ago i recognized a few things within myself,

that i think i've known for a while,

but have never admitted,

i've found i can't - don't explain myself well,

who i am, what i want, what i'm feeling, et-cetera.

i keep it all inside,

and when i finally do talk,

i say far too much.

i expect people to know things,

bits of information about me, 

random truths, illustrating the person i've become,

things that i have no business expecting anyone to know.

i find myself waiting for the person who will pose questions no one considered asking.

the stars the are watching.

tonight i made a wish on a star.

what's the harm in believing?

hurry up and wait.

me: so i'm doing a survey for my latest blog entry because i'm too tired to be eloquent, but i really want to post something.

you: um, that's lame, it doesn't tell us anything new about your life.

me: actually scep-ta-kismo is does.

and besides this survey is adoreable.

you: .......

me: it's the most, to say the least.

you: the very least.*

-When was the last time you cried?

three months ago, before that, seven and a half years.

-What was the last lie you said?

we have to get the more expensive one, because the other one isn't mac compatible

-Have you ever cried during a movie?

i cried once during grey's anatomy, but we were 90% sure my mom was going to die the next day. so that's probably just coincidence.

- Who was the last person you couldn't take your eyes off of?

there's this icon i made and it's MESMERIZING.

-Have you ever danced in the rain?

i recorded myself doing it, then posted the video on youtube.

-Have you ever been drunk?

never have, never will.

-Have you ever tried tried drugs?

same

-Do you smoke?

i quit.

-What is your full name?

i was born roger brown III and my name was legally changed when i was adopted to roger lee house.

-What is your blood-type?

i have no idea, i've given blood four times (three of which ended badly) and they refuse to tell me.

- Have you ever been in a car accident?

two of them, neither my fault, one of them a hit and run that totaled my baby.

- How old were you when you recieved your first kiss?

5 maybe 4?

- Who was your first kiss?

dj, and you don't exchange last names in kindergarten

- Have you ever had an online relationship?

i've had several. none of them romantic, i'm not up for becoming a rape or homicide victim. thanks though.

- Have you ever had phone-sex?

both speech and text.

- What is your favourite sport to play?

driving... if nascar is a sport so is my driving. and i don't do it in circles.

- Is there anything that you have done that you regret?

regrets are for straight people.

- What do you want to be when you grow up?

either the editor of a major fashion magazine, or an elementary school teacher.

- Do you believe in god?

religion is the human reaction to being alive, and having to die.

- Do you believe in love at first sight?

that wouldn't be very fair to blind people.

- Do you believe in karma?

fundamentally yes.

- Who was your first crush?

dj probably.

- Who do yo uhave a crush on?

well he'll read this... so fuck that.

- How would you describe yourself?

pretty well, i've got an extensive vocabulary.

- What are you afraid of?

the dark a little, and relationships in general.

- Who was your first boyfriend/girlfriend?

i've only ever dated friends, and i've never really felt the need to label things.

- What is the best compliment you have ever recieved?

you are one of the most genuine people i've ever met.

- What is the meanest thing anyone has said about you?

i've been "fat" i'm whole life and in the first 3 months of high school i grew about 2 inches and lost about 20 pounds, and this girl looked at a picture of my from 6th grade and said i should keep working on it because i "still look[ed] huge."

- What is the longest crush/relationship you have had?

3 years i think, if not, then just under 3.

- What is your greatest strength?

my devotion to my friends, honestly i put everything i have into my relationships with the people i care about.

- What is your greatest weakness?

i lie about my feelings far too often.

- What is your first thought when waking up in the morning?

"what town am i in?" second thought: "fuck i have to pee."

- What is your first thought before you go to bed?

the lyrics to whatever song i fall asleep to.

- What college do you want to go to?

san francisco state, colombia college, university of washington, and nyu.

- Do you get along with your family?

not really, but lately that's for the better.

- Do you play any instruments?

i've played piano, alto sax, clarinet, tuba, and guitar. and except for tuba i was borderline terrible at all of them.

- Would you ever get a tattoo?

i WILL get the word "breathe" tattooed on my inner wrist in white-gold ink. because i honestly believe that sometimes that's all you can do not to give up. i REFUSE to give up.

- Who makes you laugh?

lately it's a three way tie between natalie, caitlin and margaret cho.

- Who would you want to be tied to for 24hours?

steven reca

- Have you ever seen a dead body?

both in and out of a casket.

- What is one thing scientists should invent?

something that can make you telepathic.

- What happens after you die?

you start to rot.

- What stereotype would you label yourself as being?

the white-black kid. but i was raised by white people, so do what you want with that.

- Would your friends agree with that stereotypic label?

they better.

- If yo ucould change your name, what would you change it to?

i'm going to change it to roger lee when both of my parents are gone.

- If you could go back in time to one point in your life, where would you go

i'd go forward.

- If you could change anything about yourself, what would you change?

i'd keep loosing weight, which all part of the plan. THIRTY POUNDS since high school.

- Have you ever played strip poker?

i was the dealer, it's much more fun.

- Would you ever lie to someone to make them feel good about themselves?

i would, and i have. but only when nothing can be done about the matter at the moment. and i never volunteered.

- What do you want your friends to think about you?

they love me, and i love the, if not then we're not really friends.

- Whats the biggest argument you've ever gotten into?

someone i trusted lied to our mutual friends to distance me from them so she could get closer to them. she was a righteous thunder cunt, and everything worked out for the best.

- Do you make wishes on shooting stars?

i made a wish on 9 of them during a meteor shower last month.

- Whats the most you've ever eaten in one sitting?

a family size popcorn chicken from kfc. i'm fairly certain i threw up afterwards.

- Have you ever been in love?

i'm in love with 19 people, but that's just off the top of my head.

- Are you a morning person or a night person?

when i've had my 8 hours, i'm an all day person. that being said; i despise heat.

- Have you ever been to the hospital (other then birth)?

my parents have both been in and out of hospitals since i was born... that's what happens when you're parents are 68 when you're 19

- How many screen names do you have?

at least 23, i only remember the passwords to like 7.

- Do any medical problems run in your family?

i've never met anyone that i'm related to that i know of.

- Have anyone ever been disowned from your family?

quite literally; i was left on a doorstep.

- Do you say meaner things to your friends or your enemies?

who the fuck would do that?

- Would you ever pay for a prostititue?

balloon-and-cigarette-stomp-porn-comedy-variety-troupe.

- Have you ever laughed so hard you peed in your pants?

i've never peed my pants.

- Have you ever attempted suicide?

when i was like 9 i went through this really rough time where the only three people in school who would talk to me (and only to tell me how fat or gay or pathetic i was) decided we were no longer "friends". and for a long while i'd stand in the kitchen with the biggest knife we had pressed against my throat, praying for the strength to push in.

- Do you prefer boxers or briefs?

boxer briefs. fun fact, i don't pay for underwear. i believe it's ridiculous that people should have to pay for something that everyone is expected to wear but no one can fucking see.

- Have you ever been in a fistfight?

twice. three times. maybe a couple more i'm not remembering at the moment.

- Do you have any hidden talents?

i can put my leg on top of my head with jeans on, without them i can put it behind.

- Who is your favourite person to talk to?

monica morales, but for true bliss there MUST be fried cheese, veggie burgers and tacos must be involved.

- Would you ever have sex before marriage?

a few months ago my entire life had to be sex before marriage.

- How do you vent your anger?

music.

- Have you ever been on a diet?

eat when you're hungry stop when you're not.

- Would you ever date someone younger than you? Older than you?

i like my boys older. and taller.

- What's the craziest rumor someone has spread about you?

that i was straight.

- Have you ever been diagnosed with a mental illness?

i'm clinically depressed.

- Have you ever wanted to murder someone?

twice.

- Have you ever hated someone?

twice.

- Do you prefer talking on the phone or online?

video chat online.

- Would you ever tell the person you have a crush on that you like them?

i have. twice.

- What is your favourite book?

the perk of being a wallflower. but you knew that already.

- Do you have a collection of anything?

music. that or clothing. both are out of control and i love it.

- Are you happy with the person you are becoming?

i'm happy with the person i've become.

- Are you a different person now then you were 5 years ago?

5 years ago i was in middle school.

- What do you see yourself as being in 5 years from now?

close to a teachers credential working in fashion.

- Are you happy with the life you have?

the day you stop living life on your terms, is the day you cease to live.

real post coming soon i SWEAR.

*obscure pop culture reference!