we left home, and never looked behind

i am:

afraid,

fearful,

scared,

and terror-stricken.

i am terrified.

i am:

shaking,

flailing,

sinking,

and gasping for breath.

i am drowning.

i am:

broken,

damaged,

fragmented,

malfunctioning,

and cracked.

i am not okay.

every little bump in the road i tried to swerve

people are people, and sometimes, it doesn't work out.

on the road that is my life, 

it seems as though as soon as i fill one major pot hole

two smaller ones have a habit of popping up in it's place.

it's not to say that these new problems are insurmountable, 

but it's getting to the point 

where there are all these smaller holes keep cropping up,

too quickly to be filled it or avoided.

i'm not like other 19 year olds,

there are several reasons for this, 

the most immediate one as of late being:

that on any given morning,

instead of be woken up by the alarm on my phone,

there is a very real change that i'll be jolted awake

by the prods of my father,

telling me that my mother,

(who gave away her oxygen machine)

didn't wake up when he went in to talk to her that day.

or the panicked movement of my father,

informing me that my mom has had one of her blackouts,

only this time she didn't just hit a wall or the floor

but instead clipped a table or chair.

there's even the chance that neither one will be home,

and they'll have gotten into a car accident ,

(a scenario that seems more and more plausible as they approach 70)

one they simply couldn't walk away from.

because of the feasibility of any one of these situations, 

i have to be ready at any given moment,

to live my life without my them,

which means that these small pot holes,

become daunting and intimidating.

a long time ago

i became determined not to be blindsided by the loss of my parents.

as such i've been trying to mentally prepare,

but as they get older,

and i remain incapable of dealing with my issues;

i'm beginning to see that knowing it's coming,

and be ready for the events in question

are two very different things.

but instead of dealing with it out right,

my tactic of choice these days

seems to be avoidance.

i'm passing the flashing "END OF HIGHWAY" sign,

speeding past the "last exit"

and the only hope i have at this point

is that my road turns into a surface street

and doesn't just dead end.

p.s.

i never was very good with extended metaphors.

as such, i'll probably re-write this when i'm feeling more clear.

spoiler alert:

it'll probably be re-worked into a hyperbolic drowning sequence.

who would you rather be?

-one-

starting monday morning

(six in the morning to be exact)

i am a visual merchandiser for forever21!!!

just typing that out is blowing my mind.

-two-

i bought this coat 

but it needs new buttons, 

because i love it;

but i'm not in love with it... yet.

i'll be going through my button collection for the next few days and we'll see what happens from there.

-three-

because this is a "good news, bad news" situation,

and you got the good stuff first.

it seems as though, 

just as everything has started to go right;

my mother has decided to purposely punish me for doing well outside of college.

more on that later...

what a way to make living

i have been working a shit ton lately,

at least that's what it feels like.

i wake up two hours before my shift, 

whatever time that may be,

i work anywhere from 5 - 10 hours,

go home, 

make my usual stops on the interwebs, 

then go to sleep,

and 8 hours later is starts all over again.

it's like forever 21 owns my soul...

i wouldn't know i didn't read that contract they made me sign at orientation.

the future looks bright

maybe i'll blog everyday for the rest of march,.

not always with something amazing or profound,

but always something,

that way this time in my life isn't lost,

and i'll have some kind of record of what my life was like,

at the beginning of my time with forever 21;

because this has the potential to change my life,

it's why i haven't been posting,

or making videos, 

i need to put the whole of my concentration into this right now.

unfortunately that means i don't have a few hours to make a video that i'm proud of, and if i can't do that, then i refuse to do it halfway.

tomorrow i think i'll share with you "the saddest song in the world".

pee to the ess

i JUST got home from work.

i told you, this is kind of my life right now.

sorry, in advance

training continues tomorrow,

i'm unleashing my slim jeans on the world.

i'm pretty sure it'll be fantastic.

we're supposed to accessorize,

and skinny jeans with boots are as far as i'm willing to go.

the new store will open some time in the near nondescript future

(because i signed a confidentiality agreement.)

i could be more excited but then i'd loose control of my bowels.

i'll leave you with happy mental image and update tomorrow. 

here's hoping it rains tomorrow.

it felt just like home

mitchell is back,

his files have been transfered back to him

for the most part

and now i have some MAJOR video editing and filming to do.

p.s.

it needs to be monday...

like yesterday,

SERIOUSLY.

also, my clothes come next week,

expect a look book of sorts.

oops... i did it again

yeah...

love me hate me say what you want about me, 

but all of the boys and all of the girls,

are begging to if you seek amy.

that had nothing to do with the rest of the post,

but every time i think of britney,

that's what happens in my head.

SIX DAYS TO FOREVER21!!!

for the first time in a very long time,

i know, i'll be okay...

1) i'm newly re-obssesed with my soft toned girl singers,

it's kiersten and emily and laura and meiko all over the place!

2) today was basically the best day i've had since i moved back down here.

i got a job at forever21

(they're opening a new one in the mall so it's permanent!)

then when i was getting a duplicate social security card

(you have to have it for orientation)

it started to rain,

and if you know me and this town,

then you know how rare and fantastic that is.

my new card will be here in two weeks,

and my orientation is on the 2nd.

p.s.

that reminds me, 

since i'll be halfway down on the 2nd anyway,

i'm going to visit a boy from my past...

i don't want to jinx anything, 

but i will say it's not who any of you think it is.

more on that later.

i sold my soul to jesus and since then i've had no fun.

the new year has gotten off to a rather positive start for the most part;

not to mention oozing laura marling.

on the 15th i go to chicago 

(and i've made appropriate wardrobe purchases for the occasion)

on the 16th i will officially no longer work at best buy

(maybe my soul will finally get time to recuperate 

from the slow steady crushing it's had to endure in the past months.)

who knows what comes next.

but i am hoping for something big in 2009;

even jesus would say i'm due for something good.

good riddance 2008.

p.s.

this is my first post of 2009

and my 100th post thus far.

why not celebrate it by looking back at the past year and change?

it's what i did.

oh and p.p.s

these are the things i bought for the trip;

(in case you were wondering)

they very well may be the best purchases i've made to date.

no your eyes are not playing tricks on you,

it is a purple cropped trench coat.

(and i have the only one in all of america)

you know me well, you know me better than this.

i'm up far too early for this sales meeting thing.

i'm deep in a sea of meiko.

i've come to terms with the fact that i should have never been friends with david in the first place.

i bought a new super thick vest for chicago.

(to be worn when layering of course)

it's 24 degrees there right now, and i can't wait for january.

twilight was an amazing movie,

(cinematically speaking it was good, 

but the hopeless romantic in me just loved the outpouring of honest emotion)

if i don't get my clothes out of the dryer and leave in the next 15 minutes i'm going to be late.

i learned fast how to keep my head up

you should know that you're just a temporary fix,

this is not rooted with you,

it don't mean that much to me.

i'm over it,

i'm so not over it,

but i've resigned myself to the idea,

that i will no longer let myself go to a place,

where i allow him to upset me so much.

things are the way they are,

and there's nothing i can really do,

nothing productive anyway.

i've got a job interview on the 5th

and an orientation on the 8th.

things are looking up.

but...

although i think that i know things may never change,

i'm still hoping someday i might here you say:

i make you feel a way you've never felt before,

and i'm all you need and that you never want more,

then you'll say all of the right things without a clue,

and you'll be the one for me and me the one for you.

p.s.

mistakes aren't always regrets.

p.p.s.

i cannot wait for garlic bread and laughter.

i'm just a little bit caught in the middle

i need a job, 

or at least somewhere to go.

i can't just be here watching tv and doing nothing.

in the past three weeks i've download and listened to the discography of at least 12 bands and artists,

seen four house episodes,

17 movie in and out of theaters,

researched apartments in various areas of greater chicago,

run out of deodorant,

sent irving (the ipod) and miles III (the env) to get replaced,

got miles back,

no irving till next wednesday thought...

which is fitting seeing as all i want to do lately is go to  park and listen to my ipod,

i just want to be able to phase everything out,

like i could before.

there's a soulmate for everyone

while going through some things i found my favorite socks.

to answer your completely justified question,

i bought two pair of argyle socks,

5 years ago at a hot topic,

 about 50 miles south of my current location,

the right yellow one now has a hole in it, 

but i liked them tremendous amounts,

so i wear the left yellow one,

and then the green right one as a stand in.

i know what you're thinking,

and yes, 

i do have an affliction to random things,

ridiculous objects and articles of clothing that no one would ever need.

exhibits a-j:

in no particular order

two of these items are from the women's section,

but i don't give a fuck, 

cause they're adorable.

but you'd know all this if you kept up with my wishlist,

located on my profile page...

p.s.

i tried changing a bunch of things on the blog,

(font, colors, layouts)

but i hated all the new stuff,

it's back to the way it was,

if you visited the blog between 2-6 yesterday

then you saw the difference,

and i'm sure you understand the decision.

the walls are closing in, like darkness around me

not really,

i just have a new obsession

owl city.

p.s.

i'm "too young" and "too experienced"

to have the "proper amount of enthusiasm" for my recently-former job...

it's true,

but i still resent it.

oh what a day is today.

i'm fairly  damn certain i've written here since the 14th,

but for some reason there's no sign of that here.

and OF COURSE i don't remember what i wrote.

(my sleeping patterns have been all kinds of fucked up)

but basically,

my orientation is tomorrow morning/afternoon...

it's at noon thirty.

so i'll have more information about that,

and then i've got some plans for BOWLING.

i know i just went like three weeks ago.

OH i found my memory card adapter so i will be updating those posts with pictures and videos.

i'll link to them in the post i make tomorrow with orientation information.

but i'm still completely excited, 

because there's a mission that's in the planning stages.

which you'll know more about if it's a success,

and i'll pretend that i have no idea what you're talking about if it fails.

so basically this post is say that my other post is gone, 

and that the next post will be fantastic.

almost 100 times better than this one.

probably more.

p.s.

it's laundry day again,

and monica is AMAZING!

evidentiary support:

you say my name like there should be an "us".

so i officially talked to natalie and caitlin a couple nights ago on ichat,

it was nothing short of FANTASTIC.

i might have to move my chicago relocation up a few years,

because it's getting to the point where, if i don't get to hang out with them in person i might die.

and i'd like to have that not happen.

in other news i had my interview for urban outfitters today,

i think it went tremendously well.

it was great because not only did they seem impressed that i've worked at h&m and banana republic,

but since i was already halfway down there, i got to go see david for a few hours,

and since it's been months now, that was uber superb.

i will be putting up another video tomorrow... 

i know, i know i keep saying that, but mitchell is being a complete cunt,

and refuses to cooperate in the video making process,

so i'm going over his head and i'll have lucy do it instead...

that being said i apologize in advance if the video records in sepia.

p.s.

i'm almost done with are you there vodka? it's me chelsea

 

p.p.s.

i realize that book titles should be underlined but blogspot is not giving me that option.

it started out as a feeling, which then turned into a hope

i know, i know

two posts in one day...

"who do i think i am?"

well i'll tell you who i think i am,

some one who just now got an official job offer from 

banana republic!

that's right bitches, i'm officially no longer unemployed

my orientation is on thursday from 5-9!

which i get paid for...

suck on that hennes & mauritz

oh and p.s.

this means i get 60% off banana republic merchandise,

50% off everything at the gap,

and 40% off stuff at old navy. (i'll probably never use this one, but whatever, i can if i want to)

oh, i almost forgot about the 45% i get off at all gap and banana republic outlet stores

i think journey said it best, 

don't stop believing,

suck it hard h&m!

that's not journey, but i still think it's totally valid.

this is the song that the caged bird sings.

so anthropologie only wanted me for 10 hours a week.

and while they sell heinously cute things, 

unless i could convince them to pay me 30 dollars an hour

it just wouldn't work out logistically.

on a completely unrelated but not unlinkable subject;

how many fashion magazines do you think one person should buy in one month?

i ask only because i'm at about 4-10 (depending on the covers) and although i don't really see a problem with it.

but 

i'm running out of places to put the damn things.

but really, you can't not buy british vogue with victoria beckham is on the cover...

maybe that's just me.

p.s. blake lively and leighton meester are on the cover of nylon for may.

they're doing two separate covers and then the spread inside will be the same.

i'll buy both, i know i will, because despite my better judgement i love gossip girl.

april 28th update:

i bought both. and i have no regrets.

nothings gonna change my world.

so i'm sitting here and i just remembered that i left my hot pocket in the mircowave,

so now i'm going to have to reheat it.

which is balls because hot pockets aren't exactly the fruit of the gods to begin with.

now don't get me wrong; i love me some molten lava pepperoni flavored deliciousness

but everyone has their limits

oh and people on ichat should respond a little bit quicker,

or at all for that matter david eldon iha;

i need some conversation.

i mean come on, a boy can't live on hot pockets and real world: hollywood alone.

oh and p.s.

i find out about the job at anthropologie tomorrow.

monday at the latest

keep your fingers crossed.