he's our hero

gonna take pollution down to ZERO

it's the truth people.

dibs on fire.

i officially refuse to be earth, i will not be type cast.

no justice. no peace.

don't touch me please i cannot stand the way you tease.

ignore my white hands and ears and just enjoy the show.

by the way, i'm 85% sure my next car will be a ford focus,

just  heads up.

this is the song that the caged bird sings.

so anthropologie only wanted me for 10 hours a week.

and while they sell heinously cute things, 

unless i could convince them to pay me 30 dollars an hour

it just wouldn't work out logistically.

on a completely unrelated but not unlinkable subject;

how many fashion magazines do you think one person should buy in one month?

i ask only because i'm at about 4-10 (depending on the covers) and although i don't really see a problem with it.

but 

i'm running out of places to put the damn things.

but really, you can't not buy british vogue with victoria beckham is on the cover...

maybe that's just me.

p.s. blake lively and leighton meester are on the cover of nylon for may.

they're doing two separate covers and then the spread inside will be the same.

i'll buy both, i know i will, because despite my better judgement i love gossip girl.

april 28th update:

i bought both. and i have no regrets.

should i give up or should i just chasing pavements...

because i know that all hope is not lost:

i want to believe in it all again: 

music and art and people and faith in love. 

i want to believe that i've made the right choices 

and i'm on the right path, 

that there's still time to fix the mistakes i've made...

and most of all i want to have hope.

because i know there's someone out there for everyone:

i want someone to tell me everything is going to be okay. 

to be there when no one else is, 

who'll let me do the same for them once in a while. 

who let's me win and won't hold it against me later. 

who changes the way i look at the world, 

and makes me want to he a better person just because they're so wonderful.

so what do you want?

will he hold your tiny face in his hands?

sipping on hot green tea and eating some tuna with those elf-in-the-tree crackers

with some sour cream and onion once-you-pop-you-don't-stop chips on the side...

this is the meal of champions,

eaten in my studio apartment that i totally pay for on my own;

i'm so grown up i could just puke.

but that would be a waste of some fantastic green tea and tuna.

can't you just see me sitting in my apartment watching very mature movies and... recycling?

i know that you're thinking and it's just as fantastic as it sounds.

eat your heart out bitches.

ha.

pictures of you...

1.  share something personal with your partner.

2.  lighten up; do an impression of a celebrity or a famous character.

3.  admit something that worries you, or something that you’re afraid of.

4.  who do you plan to be in ten years?

5.  tell your partner a secret.

you all can be my partner and visa versa, if you want you can leave you answer in the comments, if you can just tell me about them next time we talk and if you don't want to do that then this is still kinda fun to do on your own. 

all in the spirit of being more honest.

i'll go first

1. i secretly hope that the people who read this think that i'm at least a little fantastic.

2. i have to use a quote here since it's text; "and on the third day god created the remington bolt action rifle. so that man could fight the dinosaurs and the homosexuals."

3. i'm afraid that things won't work out for the best, the way people swear up and down that they will. and i desperately need them to.

4. someone with no regrets a 5 year old daughter, and an overflowing closet.

5. i really want to work at banana republic.

the perks of being a wallflower

that’s the name of my favorite book of all time. No over exaggeration. It’s the only book I’ve ever truly loved. It seems like for the past 6 or 7 years, the only books I’ve gotten to read were ones that were assigned. All I couldn’t get caught up in them, because in the back of my mind I knew I had to remember certain facts and random quotes for some test, or that I would have to write some asinine essay about how it relates to the other books I was forced to read and then write about.

 

And this one is different it was the last book I read before all the reports started. It was the end of the 6^th grade, summer I think. I forget how I heard about it, but I knew I had to read it. After I finished I felt different. Have you ever done that, after you see a great movie or read an amazing book you see things differently. You see the world in a different way and that’s what this book did for me; it’s what Charlie did for me.

 

I’ve been re–reading it since I took that break from school, and there won’t be any reports or quote memorization involved when I’m finished. After I had to stop taking the anti-depressants I’ve been fine, there isn’t so much to focus on. I still have all my bills but when I’m at work I’m there and I put my all into it; and then when I come home I only have to think about being here, maybe cleaning some things or making food. Anyway, as I’m reading I see Charlie going through the same things I went through, well the things I’m kind of still going through. I’m not sure why but it’s supremely reassuring to know that someone else has felt the same way, even if that someone is in a book.

 

It’s the same reason I love music so much. Think to yourself for a moment… have you ever heard a song that says everything you’ve been thinking or feeling recently. It’s everything you wish you could articulate to the world but you can’t; and your feeling have been shoved down inside for so long you’re not sure if you’ll ever be able to express yourself. Then all of a sudden you hear this song and out of the speakers, pour the words that you soul scream but your mouth could never say. Even after it’s over, and the silence takes over you realize that someone else has gone through the same things, that someone somewhere felt how you feel and they made it out alive, and you can too; and you instantly know that you are understood, and you are not alone.

 

If you haven’t felt this way then I really do feel for you, because it’s one of the best I think anyone can ever experience. I think the best thing about this book is that it gives me this feeling when I least expect it. There are a few quotes that conveys the way a felt and the my lowest, and it’s completely relatable but in a real and amazing way.

 

Here are a few of the best, and therefore the most depressing:

 

“I don’t know if you’ve ever felt like that. That you wanted to sleep for a thousand years. Or just not exist. Or just not be aware you do exist. Or something like that. I think wanting that is very morbid, I want it when I get like this. That’s I’m trying not to think. I just want it all to stop spinning.”

It was like that at my lowest point. I laid in bed for days waiting. Waiting to feel better. Waiting for things to be different. Waiting for something that never came. So I went to a doctor and he gave me some pills. And for a while I felt a lot better. Then I found out our insurance for 2008 wouldn’t cover filling my prescription, so when I ran out of sample packs, I ran out of pills for good. Then Petey died after that hit and run near exit 21A. and I had to get Roxy, and I spun out on the freeway. And I had to stop going to school for a while so I can work full time at the job I got so I can pay for my new-to-me civic.

 

“I know that I brought this on myself. I know that I deserve this. I’d do anything not to be this way. I’d do anything to make it up to everyone. And to not have to see a psychiatrist, who explains to me about being ‘passive aggressive.’ And to not have the medicine he gives me, which is too expensive for my dad. And to not have to talk about bad memories with him. Or be nostalgic about bad things. I just wish… someone would just tell me what’s wrong with me. just tell me how to be different in a way that makes sense. To make this all go away. And disappear. I know that’s wrong because it’s my responsibility, and I know that things get worse before they get better because that’s what my psychiatrist says, but this is a worse that feels too big.”

I feel like everything spun out of control after that day. I was just barely hanging on, make no mistake. But I was going to class again, doing the reading and the homework and things. And then the accident happened… a delivery truck cut me off on the freeway while I was on my way to target one night, it wouldn’t have been so bad if it had been a different type of vehicle, one that didn’t have a giant metal ladder attached on the back for people to climb up that took on the front end of my car. After that my parents had to drive up so we could look for another one, because then more than ever I couldn’t afford to miss work for any reason. So we looked for a cheap replacement car once we got the official word that Petey was dead, damaged beyond repair. And I get a red ’98 honda civic, which I promptly named Roxy Hart because she clearly thinks she’s classier than she is. And so I had to try and become full time. Which meant that school had to go away at least until next year so I can make the payments. So that now every time I’m done with one of my shifts  and I walk up the stairs to where I park; I forget what happened for a little bit and look for Petey but he’s not there. The only thing I see is a red ’98 civic parked where my car should be. And I know I have to drive home in this car. If I ever have to get something and I’m laying in my apartment I think about the fact that to get anywhere I’d have to go in that civic. And I think about how things happen, and wonder how this became my life. Then I get in my car a drive wherever I’m going and pay too much for things that I know I’ll regret later, but that make me feel better because then I don’t have to think about every thing waiting outside of the target for me. to add insult to injury a week ago someone broke into the civic and stole my car stereo, and consequently my Kate Voegele cd in the process. So when I get in the car after one of those times I forget that I don’t’ have Petey, and that I have to listen to my ipod while I drive and I look at that gaping hole where my stereo used to be and I think about my car insurance bill, and rent, and the cable bill and the gas I’ll have to put into it. Sometimes I can’t help but think that this is a worse that feels too big…and I wish someone would tell me how to be different in a way that makes sense.