you can't be close enough unless i'm feeling your heart beat

never underestimate the power of an upbeat love song.

here's to new years resolutions.

you don't really care for music; do you?

obligatory christmas blog!!!

or should i say o-blog-itory?

i shouldn't.

i went to my brother's again for dinner this year,

we played board/dvd/shouting-at-the-television-over-one-another games,

my nephews and brothers told jokes only people that love them would laugh at.

per usual.

it wasn't terrible,

but it wasn't terrific.

per usual.

i'm excited for the days when i'll spend my holidays with friends at our apartments,

i feel like the year that i have thanksgiving at my house is the year i'll be truly grown up.

ahh future, how you tease me.

so as i head off to bed;

 (i have to be at work at 7 in the morning)

i'll leave you with this my lovelies

i'm on the 7 o'clock to chicago

i need to return two vests and a trench coat to forever 21.

also 

on the 15th of january i'm going to CHICAGO!

in other news:

i have two five hour layovers

(one on the flight to chicago, one on the way back)

so i'll have to come up with 10 hours of shit to do in an airport...

yay?

p.s.

my flight is actually at 6:45.

i'm gonna fix my mind with a final destination.

about a week ago i recognized a few things within myself,

that i think i've known for a while,

but have never admitted,

i've found i can't - don't explain myself well,

who i am, what i want, what i'm feeling, et-cetera.

i keep it all inside,

and when i finally do talk,

i say far too much.

i expect people to know things,

bits of information about me, 

random truths, illustrating the person i've become,

things that i have no business expecting anyone to know.

i find myself waiting for the person who will pose questions no one considered asking.

give me something i want to be: retro glamour.

i've had an epiphany,

a fashion epiphany.

i find all i can think about is this monogram coat

after working at h&m and banana republic,

i've noticed my tastes have changed,

my obsessions have gone from cute hoodies and boot cut jeans...

to waist, pea, and trench coats.

(both double breasted and macintosh)

i'm not upset about it per say,

it's actually really exciting.

the only problem...

the coat pictured above costs FIVE HUNDRED DOLLARS.

so there's that.

f.y.i.

i care about natalie and caitlin more than you know.

i wanna feel how i want to feel forever.

all good things end badly, if they ever end at all.

you know me well, you know me better than this.

i'm up far too early for this sales meeting thing.

i'm deep in a sea of meiko.

i've come to terms with the fact that i should have never been friends with david in the first place.

i bought a new super thick vest for chicago.

(to be worn when layering of course)

it's 24 degrees there right now, and i can't wait for january.

twilight was an amazing movie,

(cinematically speaking it was good, 

but the hopeless romantic in me just loved the outpouring of honest emotion)

if i don't get my clothes out of the dryer and leave in the next 15 minutes i'm going to be late.

why aren't you sorry?

so it's official,
i have no best friend.

i don't want to make it sound like i'm totally crushed,
because i'm not,
honestly i've been looking for a way out for a while.

i guess i didn't think that i'd get one,
i thought maybe he'd listen for once,
but three years and over 900 conversations,
and he won't answer the phone.

the truth is,
he wasn't there,
all i needed was someone to listen,
and when i told him about my dad,
about how i didn't think i could keep going,
not like this,
and he asked if going to in-n-out twice in one week was a bad idea.

i can't be a part of that anymore.
i don't have any more to give.
for these last 12 months i've given up so much.

a piece of me went to the college,
where i was forced into a life where i had no say,
some went to the apartment,
where i found out a gas leak almost killed myself and tessa,
a big part went to the driver of that delivery truck,
the one that changed who i was, and stole the one thing i had that was just mine and no one else's,
and the last of it went to this town,
that's slowly taking everything else.


i'm glad i'm out.

if we can just get through this one.

i have a new obsession,

(besides my re-obsessions with haines and heap)

by the start of the new year i want to get onto lookbook,

it's exactly what it sounds like.

you take pictures of yourself in various "looks"

since i'm completely consumed by fashion, 

and continue to dress myself daily,

i figure why not?

this whole internet-working thing i started was preserve who i am now,

for the me that will come later.

and there's nothing i love more right now that fashion

(ok it may be tied with music)

this is the best way to showcase my style,

also the hugely self obsessed part of me,

along with the most of the ocd outfit making parts,

will love coming up with looks to post on the site.

there's this application process i'll have to go through,

since i don't know any of the current members,

(i'm working on it though)

so the next post (or the one after) will be various looks

that the site admissions people(?) 

can take a look at to see "what i'll bring to the site."

i'll just be happy to have something to focus on.

p.s.

as soon as i get accepted (positive thinking?)

i'm going to invite jenny and natalie to the site,

because they NEED more cute americans.

p.p.s.

it rained ALL DAY today,

things are looking up.

the sweeping insensitivity of this still life

tonight my car was stolen,

out of our driveway,

while i was in my room,

less than five yards away.

happy fucking halloween.

this thing it breaks my heart

music is worthless unless it can make a completely stranger break down and cry...

it's only just started, but you can't be close enough unless i'm feeling your heartbeat...

creep up and tell me that you love me more each time you look into my eyes...

my feelings are nothing but a curtain, hiding me from what i should know...

the people i've met are the wonders of my world...

by protecting my heart truly i got lost in the sound...

your heart won't heal right if you keep tearing out the sutures...

everything is going to be okay someday soon...

these songs they plague me more than i can say...

all is fair in love and we're in love...

the rain cam pouring down and now i'm drowning in my tears...

the state lane felt like the berlin wall and there is no doubt about which side i'm on...

have you ever thought about what protects our hearts?

i don't need anybody telling me that i can...

i best tidy up my head i'm the only one in love...

i've been trying to be anything other than me...

i look to you for saving but you're saving someone else...

your eyes tell a whole other story...

close to the edge, fall into my arms, fall in love...

i'll cover us both, you can leave that to me...

everyone inside the mechanism is yearning to get out...

i long for something more than you, i long for something more than me in my head...

the best part of believe is the lie...

the world can spin so madly, and love can end so badly...

we've both got blood on our hands, i won't claim innocence...

don't you feed me lies about some idealistic future...

you look half dead half the time...

finish what you started...

the take over the sweeping insensitivity of this still life...

all good things end badly, if they ever end at all...

i hear in my mind all these voices, all these words, all this music, and it breaks my heart...

my fingertips are holding onto the cracks in our foundation, and i know that i should let go, but i can't...

these words did not come from me,

they came from the brains of people much greater than myself,

they came accompanied by melodies and choruses,

they came to me and made me feel,

they came to me and were there when i needed them most,

so now i'm doing the only logical thing i can think of,

i'm offering them to you.

i learned fast how to keep my head up

you should know that you're just a temporary fix,

this is not rooted with you,

it don't mean that much to me.

i'm over it,

i'm so not over it,

but i've resigned myself to the idea,

that i will no longer let myself go to a place,

where i allow him to upset me so much.

things are the way they are,

and there's nothing i can really do,

nothing productive anyway.

i've got a job interview on the 5th

and an orientation on the 8th.

things are looking up.

but...

although i think that i know things may never change,

i'm still hoping someday i might here you say:

i make you feel a way you've never felt before,

and i'm all you need and that you never want more,

then you'll say all of the right things without a clue,

and you'll be the one for me and me the one for you.

p.s.

mistakes aren't always regrets.

p.p.s.

i cannot wait for garlic bread and laughter.

you're lost even when you're gong the right

last night i had a dream.

i drove for hours and finally told him,

i never want to forget.

he said he knew what i meant,

that things would be different,

he would be honest,

and things would be better.

i was wearing this jacket.

we were together at this place i've never been to before.

and we were glowing.

he said all the right things.

i was never at a loss for words.

we talked for hours.

then i woke up.

cold and alone.

p.s.

tonight, i can't sleep.

we'd be good, we'd be great together.

i think i may love him...

why'd you have be so cute?

it's impossible to ignore you.

must you make me laugh so much?

it's bad enough we get along so well.

goddamnit

what if you never, ever called.

it's been a good few days,

i got a job,

a new phone,

a hard drive,

and a car stereo,

all for my birthday.

i'm officially 19 bee tee double you,

at least on the outside,

on the inside i'm still a slightly immature 28 year old.

just because i'm amazed by it,

i'll show you this...

my cell phone made that shit.

if you're amazed,

then i feel the same way you do.

if you're not,

then there's something wrong with you,

p.s.

i peed in a cup today.

that is all.

hold my hand while you cut me down.

i'm sorry i haven't felt like posting

or recording

i just don't have it in me.

i'm sorry.

i'm a terrible person

okay, so my dad NEVER complains like EVER about anything,

and we're sure he's always in a reasonable amount of pain,

(he's had trouble walking for at least a year)

and today he's staying in bed not wanting to do anything

(he had three "accidents" yesterday and  couple already today)

he's got a doctor's appointment tomorrow

none of this is why i'm terrible, 

that's coming

yesterday i was watching grey's anatomy

and if you watch the show you know meridith's mother,

she has alzheimer's, 

and doesn't have the slightest idea most of the time who meridith is,

well, they brought her into the hospital,

 where meredith works,

 they're rolling her in,

and she's just screaming

she doesn't know who anyone is,

 and she's fighting everyone,

 and just screaming at Meredith to leave, 

yelling for her to leave,

"WHAT DID I TELL YOU, 'NEVER BOTHER ME AT WORK!'."

i kind lost it,

like instant tears,

only for a second,

but it was this intense burst of crippling sadness,

and it kinda freaked me out

later in the episode,

 she finds out her mom might have liver cancer,

 and hopes secretly that she does

only she's wracked with guilt

 because 

"what kind of person wishes their mother had cancer?"

i'm terrible because he's my father,,

and i hope that tomorrow at the appointment,

they find something that means he has to go to the hospital,

and then at the hospital,

they find something they would have to operate on,

and because both my parents hearts are shot,

during his last triple bypass, 

(yes there were others),

he had a stroke,

(thus the trouble walking),

and he was a vegetative state for three whole days,

surgery would kill him,

but then he would get to die on the table,

in his sleep...

i wouldn't have to watch him fall apart,

it's already starting,

 and i know i can't do it,

i can't watch him slowly die,

 and so i hope there's something wrong with him.

 that's terrible to hope for anyone,

let alone your father.

i can't help wishing it though,

 a series of events that would lead to a painless death,

he started laughing at my jokes the other day,

and asking me how i felt,

he's never done either.

he doesn't laugh at ANYTHING other than cops,

and that's only when it's really funny.

and he never asks anyone how they feel

and would never answer the question himself,

with any answer other than fine.

and now, today, he felt horrible.

i saw the look in my dad's face,

 when we would visit his mother,

she only knew who he was part of the time,

it slowly ripped him apart.

i also sat in the car with my mom,

after we visited my grandfather in the facility.

he couldn't breathe on his own for 4 years before he died.

she would just sob silently,

they were almost 50 when it happened to them.

i can't do it,

not now,

not at 19.

your eyes burn like stars

i FINALLY got my ipod rendezvous in the park tonight.

if you're in victorville too long,

and you're NOT insane,

then you slowly being TO GO insane with hatred for the town,

and most of the people in it.

it was so peaceful,

and there was this point,

while build the moon was playing,

and all of a sudden the darkness wasn't darkness,

it was MILLIONS upon BILLIONS of tiny stars shining dimly,

millions of billions of miles away.

it was tremendously comforting...

playlist:

because i'm SURE you were wondering.

Melt My Heart To Stone - Adele

The Ice Is Getting Thinner - Death Cab for Cutie

I Have Waited - Kiersten Holine

Breakable - Ingrid Michaelson

Blonde On Blonde - Nada Surf

Melt My Heart To Stone - Adele

We Are Broken - Paramore

You Are Goodbye - Holly Conlan

Build the Moon - Charlotte Sometimes

Secret - Missy Higgins

Franklin - Paramore

I'm A Broken Heart - The Bird and the Bee

Happily Never After - Nicole Scherzinger

Eyes Like Stars - Faulter

Different Names for the Same Thing - Death Cab for Cutie

Now and Then - Adele

also,

i'm re-watching every grey's anatomy ever,

in preparation for the impending new season.

THURSDAY BITCHES

alone in my little world.

i miss him more than i should,

more than i thought i could.

also,

i'm an idiot.

you don't know me at all.

dear friend,

all my shows start soon,

i went over to melissa's today,

we watched some behind the scenes stuff from ugly betty,

which of course made me UBER excited for the new season.

i love this week,

the first week all the shows come back,

setting the stage for all new seasons,

even more so after last year's strike.

(which broke my heart more than i'd like to admit)

i still wish i had a job though,

i don't really need the money right now,

but waiting for november is proving more tedious than i originally planned.

then there's the possibility i wont even get the job once i'm ale to apply again,

of course i hope i do,

it's part of the new life plan i've come up with.

(more on that once i've worked out the kinks)

till next time,

roger

p.s.

did you ever wish you could un-experience something?

just so you could feel it happen all over again.

i've been getting that feeling a lot lately.

it's not that i don't know why,

i just wish it were possible.

green eyes you're the spotlight.

i need to get my ipod back, 

more than ever.

i'm just a little bit caught in the middle

i need a job, 

or at least somewhere to go.

i can't just be here watching tv and doing nothing.

in the past three weeks i've download and listened to the discography of at least 12 bands and artists,

seen four house episodes,

17 movie in and out of theaters,

researched apartments in various areas of greater chicago,

run out of deodorant,

sent irving (the ipod) and miles III (the env) to get replaced,

got miles back,

no irving till next wednesday thought...

which is fitting seeing as all i want to do lately is go to  park and listen to my ipod,

i just want to be able to phase everything out,

like i could before.

the stars the are watching.

tonight i made a wish on a star.

what's the harm in believing?

when we get home, i know we won't be home at all.

summer makes people think,

well it makes me think.

things here are more different now than they ever were before.

i don't feel like i have anything to prove to anyone anymore.

i know who i am,

i know where i want to go,

i know who i want to be,

i know what it takes to get there,

and i know that things aren't always going to be easy,

mostly because they haven't been up until this point.

there's so much more i want to say here,

but my eloquence is lacking,

so i'll give it some thought and get back to you.

update

i had no idea that it was september 11th until they said so on the news.

i don't feel bad about that.

i refuse to believe that it takes a tragedy

to make you think about all the small things.

there's not a day that goes by that i don't think about loss.

i know that's because of who i am,

who my parents are.

from a very young age i've known that i only had so much time with my parents;

about 40 years less than everyone else if i'm lucky.

so i don't feel bad that i forgot, that today, 8 years ago, all those people died.

because everyday i feel horrible that things end,

that all at once they're never the same,

that they can't be.

yes on this day,

8 years ago,

people's mothers,

and daughters,

and sisters,

and fathers,

and brothers,

and sons,

all died.

but people loose each other everyday.

what about the people who died the day after?

and everyday before?

and everyday since?

do their deaths not matter as much because they televised?

everyone deserves to be remembered,

it shouldn't take a national tragedy.

remember everyday.

be careful with your heart

so this youtube sitch... 

(thank you kim possible)

i'm trying to work it out,

when i do they'll be two new videos up,

both of questionable quality,

but that's nothing new.

in other news

because until recently 

i never considered that people reading this 

wouldn't automatically watch the videos 

and thus don't give two shits about how many i'll be uploading

when i was making more icons for the blog,

i started thinking about the things i want to display,

and i thought how i only want things that really matter,

then it brought me back to why i started this in the first place,

it was for me,

because i needed something,

someplace to write all of the things i think.

so for the most part this will be the last post that regularly mentions videos separately,

from now on it's only how they affect me.

that being said, 

i'm going to be writing more personal things,

they won't always be funny,

they won't always make you feel better when you've finished reading them,

but they will be completely honest.

for the first time in my life,

i need to something for myself,

with out worrying about what other people will think.

that's why i started this,

so that's how i'm going to keep it going.

the videos are going to stay the same,

because i'm not a big heap of emotion all the time,

but when i am i have to know that i have someplace to put my thoughts.

they say that the internet is a horrible place to meet people,

because you only see what they want you to see,

that was true for me.

until now.