i sold my soul to jesus and since then i've had no fun.

the new year has gotten off to a rather positive start for the most part;

not to mention oozing laura marling.

on the 15th i go to chicago 

(and i've made appropriate wardrobe purchases for the occasion)

on the 16th i will officially no longer work at best buy

(maybe my soul will finally get time to recuperate 

from the slow steady crushing it's had to endure in the past months.)

who knows what comes next.

but i am hoping for something big in 2009;

even jesus would say i'm due for something good.

good riddance 2008.

p.s.

this is my first post of 2009

and my 100th post thus far.

why not celebrate it by looking back at the past year and change?

it's what i did.

oh and p.p.s

these are the things i bought for the trip;

(in case you were wondering)

they very well may be the best purchases i've made to date.

no your eyes are not playing tricks on you,

it is a purple cropped trench coat.

(and i have the only one in all of america)

why aren't you sorry?

so it's official,
i have no best friend.

i don't want to make it sound like i'm totally crushed,
because i'm not,
honestly i've been looking for a way out for a while.

i guess i didn't think that i'd get one,
i thought maybe he'd listen for once,
but three years and over 900 conversations,
and he won't answer the phone.

the truth is,
he wasn't there,
all i needed was someone to listen,
and when i told him about my dad,
about how i didn't think i could keep going,
not like this,
and he asked if going to in-n-out twice in one week was a bad idea.

i can't be a part of that anymore.
i don't have any more to give.
for these last 12 months i've given up so much.

a piece of me went to the college,
where i was forced into a life where i had no say,
some went to the apartment,
where i found out a gas leak almost killed myself and tessa,
a big part went to the driver of that delivery truck,
the one that changed who i was, and stole the one thing i had that was just mine and no one else's,
and the last of it went to this town,
that's slowly taking everything else.


i'm glad i'm out.

if we can just get through this one.

i have a new obsession,

(besides my re-obsessions with haines and heap)

by the start of the new year i want to get onto lookbook,

it's exactly what it sounds like.

you take pictures of yourself in various "looks"

since i'm completely consumed by fashion, 

and continue to dress myself daily,

i figure why not?

this whole internet-working thing i started was preserve who i am now,

for the me that will come later.

and there's nothing i love more right now that fashion

(ok it may be tied with music)

this is the best way to showcase my style,

also the hugely self obsessed part of me,

along with the most of the ocd outfit making parts,

will love coming up with looks to post on the site.

there's this application process i'll have to go through,

since i don't know any of the current members,

(i'm working on it though)

so the next post (or the one after) will be various looks

that the site admissions people(?) 

can take a look at to see "what i'll bring to the site."

i'll just be happy to have something to focus on.

p.s.

as soon as i get accepted (positive thinking?)

i'm going to invite jenny and natalie to the site,

because they NEED more cute americans.

p.p.s.

it rained ALL DAY today,

things are looking up.

i learned fast how to keep my head up

you should know that you're just a temporary fix,

this is not rooted with you,

it don't mean that much to me.

i'm over it,

i'm so not over it,

but i've resigned myself to the idea,

that i will no longer let myself go to a place,

where i allow him to upset me so much.

things are the way they are,

and there's nothing i can really do,

nothing productive anyway.

i've got a job interview on the 5th

and an orientation on the 8th.

things are looking up.

but...

although i think that i know things may never change,

i'm still hoping someday i might here you say:

i make you feel a way you've never felt before,

and i'm all you need and that you never want more,

then you'll say all of the right things without a clue,

and you'll be the one for me and me the one for you.

p.s.

mistakes aren't always regrets.

p.p.s.

i cannot wait for garlic bread and laughter.

what if you never, ever called.

it's been a good few days,

i got a job,

a new phone,

a hard drive,

and a car stereo,

all for my birthday.

i'm officially 19 bee tee double you,

at least on the outside,

on the inside i'm still a slightly immature 28 year old.

just because i'm amazed by it,

i'll show you this...

my cell phone made that shit.

if you're amazed,

then i feel the same way you do.

if you're not,

then there's something wrong with you,

p.s.

i peed in a cup today.

that is all.

you don't know me at all.

dear friend,

all my shows start soon,

i went over to melissa's today,

we watched some behind the scenes stuff from ugly betty,

which of course made me UBER excited for the new season.

i love this week,

the first week all the shows come back,

setting the stage for all new seasons,

even more so after last year's strike.

(which broke my heart more than i'd like to admit)

i still wish i had a job though,

i don't really need the money right now,

but waiting for november is proving more tedious than i originally planned.

then there's the possibility i wont even get the job once i'm ale to apply again,

of course i hope i do,

it's part of the new life plan i've come up with.

(more on that once i've worked out the kinks)

till next time,

roger

p.s.

did you ever wish you could un-experience something?

just so you could feel it happen all over again.

i've been getting that feeling a lot lately.

it's not that i don't know why,

i just wish it were possible.

hurry up and wait.

me: so i'm doing a survey for my latest blog entry because i'm too tired to be eloquent, but i really want to post something.

you: um, that's lame, it doesn't tell us anything new about your life.

me: actually scep-ta-kismo is does.

and besides this survey is adoreable.

you: .......

me: it's the most, to say the least.

you: the very least.*

-When was the last time you cried?

three months ago, before that, seven and a half years.

-What was the last lie you said?

we have to get the more expensive one, because the other one isn't mac compatible

-Have you ever cried during a movie?

i cried once during grey's anatomy, but we were 90% sure my mom was going to die the next day. so that's probably just coincidence.

- Who was the last person you couldn't take your eyes off of?

there's this icon i made and it's MESMERIZING.

-Have you ever danced in the rain?

i recorded myself doing it, then posted the video on youtube.

-Have you ever been drunk?

never have, never will.

-Have you ever tried tried drugs?

same

-Do you smoke?

i quit.

-What is your full name?

i was born roger brown III and my name was legally changed when i was adopted to roger lee house.

-What is your blood-type?

i have no idea, i've given blood four times (three of which ended badly) and they refuse to tell me.

- Have you ever been in a car accident?

two of them, neither my fault, one of them a hit and run that totaled my baby.

- How old were you when you recieved your first kiss?

5 maybe 4?

- Who was your first kiss?

dj, and you don't exchange last names in kindergarten

- Have you ever had an online relationship?

i've had several. none of them romantic, i'm not up for becoming a rape or homicide victim. thanks though.

- Have you ever had phone-sex?

both speech and text.

- What is your favourite sport to play?

driving... if nascar is a sport so is my driving. and i don't do it in circles.

- Is there anything that you have done that you regret?

regrets are for straight people.

- What do you want to be when you grow up?

either the editor of a major fashion magazine, or an elementary school teacher.

- Do you believe in god?

religion is the human reaction to being alive, and having to die.

- Do you believe in love at first sight?

that wouldn't be very fair to blind people.

- Do you believe in karma?

fundamentally yes.

- Who was your first crush?

dj probably.

- Who do yo uhave a crush on?

well he'll read this... so fuck that.

- How would you describe yourself?

pretty well, i've got an extensive vocabulary.

- What are you afraid of?

the dark a little, and relationships in general.

- Who was your first boyfriend/girlfriend?

i've only ever dated friends, and i've never really felt the need to label things.

- What is the best compliment you have ever recieved?

you are one of the most genuine people i've ever met.

- What is the meanest thing anyone has said about you?

i've been "fat" i'm whole life and in the first 3 months of high school i grew about 2 inches and lost about 20 pounds, and this girl looked at a picture of my from 6th grade and said i should keep working on it because i "still look[ed] huge."

- What is the longest crush/relationship you have had?

3 years i think, if not, then just under 3.

- What is your greatest strength?

my devotion to my friends, honestly i put everything i have into my relationships with the people i care about.

- What is your greatest weakness?

i lie about my feelings far too often.

- What is your first thought when waking up in the morning?

"what town am i in?" second thought: "fuck i have to pee."

- What is your first thought before you go to bed?

the lyrics to whatever song i fall asleep to.

- What college do you want to go to?

san francisco state, colombia college, university of washington, and nyu.

- Do you get along with your family?

not really, but lately that's for the better.

- Do you play any instruments?

i've played piano, alto sax, clarinet, tuba, and guitar. and except for tuba i was borderline terrible at all of them.

- Would you ever get a tattoo?

i WILL get the word "breathe" tattooed on my inner wrist in white-gold ink. because i honestly believe that sometimes that's all you can do not to give up. i REFUSE to give up.

- Who makes you laugh?

lately it's a three way tie between natalie, caitlin and margaret cho.

- Who would you want to be tied to for 24hours?

steven reca

- Have you ever seen a dead body?

both in and out of a casket.

- What is one thing scientists should invent?

something that can make you telepathic.

- What happens after you die?

you start to rot.

- What stereotype would you label yourself as being?

the white-black kid. but i was raised by white people, so do what you want with that.

- Would your friends agree with that stereotypic label?

they better.

- If yo ucould change your name, what would you change it to?

i'm going to change it to roger lee when both of my parents are gone.

- If you could go back in time to one point in your life, where would you go

i'd go forward.

- If you could change anything about yourself, what would you change?

i'd keep loosing weight, which all part of the plan. THIRTY POUNDS since high school.

- Have you ever played strip poker?

i was the dealer, it's much more fun.

- Would you ever lie to someone to make them feel good about themselves?

i would, and i have. but only when nothing can be done about the matter at the moment. and i never volunteered.

- What do you want your friends to think about you?

they love me, and i love the, if not then we're not really friends.

- Whats the biggest argument you've ever gotten into?

someone i trusted lied to our mutual friends to distance me from them so she could get closer to them. she was a righteous thunder cunt, and everything worked out for the best.

- Do you make wishes on shooting stars?

i made a wish on 9 of them during a meteor shower last month.

- Whats the most you've ever eaten in one sitting?

a family size popcorn chicken from kfc. i'm fairly certain i threw up afterwards.

- Have you ever been in love?

i'm in love with 19 people, but that's just off the top of my head.

- Are you a morning person or a night person?

when i've had my 8 hours, i'm an all day person. that being said; i despise heat.

- Have you ever been to the hospital (other then birth)?

my parents have both been in and out of hospitals since i was born... that's what happens when you're parents are 68 when you're 19

- How many screen names do you have?

at least 23, i only remember the passwords to like 7.

- Do any medical problems run in your family?

i've never met anyone that i'm related to that i know of.

- Have anyone ever been disowned from your family?

quite literally; i was left on a doorstep.

- Do you say meaner things to your friends or your enemies?

who the fuck would do that?

- Would you ever pay for a prostititue?

balloon-and-cigarette-stomp-porn-comedy-variety-troupe.

- Have you ever laughed so hard you peed in your pants?

i've never peed my pants.

- Have you ever attempted suicide?

when i was like 9 i went through this really rough time where the only three people in school who would talk to me (and only to tell me how fat or gay or pathetic i was) decided we were no longer "friends". and for a long while i'd stand in the kitchen with the biggest knife we had pressed against my throat, praying for the strength to push in.

- Do you prefer boxers or briefs?

boxer briefs. fun fact, i don't pay for underwear. i believe it's ridiculous that people should have to pay for something that everyone is expected to wear but no one can fucking see.

- Have you ever been in a fistfight?

twice. three times. maybe a couple more i'm not remembering at the moment.

- Do you have any hidden talents?

i can put my leg on top of my head with jeans on, without them i can put it behind.

- Who is your favourite person to talk to?

monica morales, but for true bliss there MUST be fried cheese, veggie burgers and tacos must be involved.

- Would you ever have sex before marriage?

a few months ago my entire life had to be sex before marriage.

- How do you vent your anger?

music.

- Have you ever been on a diet?

eat when you're hungry stop when you're not.

- Would you ever date someone younger than you? Older than you?

i like my boys older. and taller.

- What's the craziest rumor someone has spread about you?

that i was straight.

- Have you ever been diagnosed with a mental illness?

i'm clinically depressed.

- Have you ever wanted to murder someone?

twice.

- Have you ever hated someone?

twice.

- Do you prefer talking on the phone or online?

video chat online.

- Would you ever tell the person you have a crush on that you like them?

i have. twice.

- What is your favourite book?

the perk of being a wallflower. but you knew that already.

- Do you have a collection of anything?

music. that or clothing. both are out of control and i love it.

- Are you happy with the person you are becoming?

i'm happy with the person i've become.

- Are you a different person now then you were 5 years ago?

5 years ago i was in middle school.

- What do you see yourself as being in 5 years from now?

close to a teachers credential working in fashion.

- Are you happy with the life you have?

the day you stop living life on your terms, is the day you cease to live.

real post coming soon i SWEAR.

*obscure pop culture reference!

oh what a day is today.

i'm fairly  damn certain i've written here since the 14th,

but for some reason there's no sign of that here.

and OF COURSE i don't remember what i wrote.

(my sleeping patterns have been all kinds of fucked up)

but basically,

my orientation is tomorrow morning/afternoon...

it's at noon thirty.

so i'll have more information about that,

and then i've got some plans for BOWLING.

i know i just went like three weeks ago.

OH i found my memory card adapter so i will be updating those posts with pictures and videos.

i'll link to them in the post i make tomorrow with orientation information.

but i'm still completely excited, 

because there's a mission that's in the planning stages.

which you'll know more about if it's a success,

and i'll pretend that i have no idea what you're talking about if it fails.

so basically this post is say that my other post is gone, 

and that the next post will be fantastic.

almost 100 times better than this one.

probably more.

p.s.

it's laundry day again,

and monica is AMAZING!

evidentiary support:

what happens in my head stays in my head.

i'm watching What's Up, Doc? 

it is now my second favorite babs (barbara streisand) movie,

the first of course being Yentl.

i've decided that i'm going to get an '06 Saturn VUE

because it gets incredible gas milage as far as SUVs are concerned;

and also because, i dislike the recent remodel

in other news, the next city i live in will be chicago,

at the very least it will be the next city i visit.

i've been thinking a lot lately

a nasty habit i've taken up due to all this free time

and i decided that for a few months i'll work in town

i've been promised assistance getting the aforementioned VUE if i do this,

it will be really nice to live 5 minutes away from where i work.

if only for a short while.

then, once i have a vehicle i know can make the 30 minute drive,

i'll get that job at urban.

i say that like i'm the only thing standing between myself and a job there.

this post was much more interesting in my head,

although on the page it's just as informative.

so, i'll throw in some toothpaste for dinner,

and maybe something from a softer world if you play your cards right.

you: "where am i supposed to get cards?"

me: "don't you have any cards?"

you: "no... well maybe, but i'd have to go find them."

me: "well i can't do everything for you."

you: "i don't much care for you attitude."

me: "well no one is twisting your arm to stay here."

you: "this is going nowhere."

me: "then just go down and look at the pictures already."

you: "well i never."

me: "well now you have."

worst news caster ever.

p.s.

i might be going to paris with natalie and caitlin,

if one ofrall of us wins the lottery because those ticket prices are STEEP.

it would be super amazing if we could go.

p.p.s.

natalie and caitlin, i'm super excited to talk to you tomorrow 

all face to face and junk.

it's gonna be great, i'm sure of it.

sorry in advance for avril lavigne/leonalewis/whatever-i-decide lip synch

p.p.p.s.

this is a first,

i'm rereading the 6th harry potter book 

instead of the 7th 

because the movie is coming out in one hundred twelve days.

i have a countdown thing on my computer

i'm no where near that creepy...

well, not about harry potter.

sitting in restaurants, thought we were so grown up.

went to huntington today.

there was some kind of motocross thing going on by the pier.

melissa, adonis, steph, monica, and i went into the ocean and everything.

i didn't go in all the way, 

because huntington beach is filthy,

and i refused to take my emerald blazer off,

my outfit just went too well together.

(see picture from previous post)

i did get to listen to a bit of miss spektor,

on the way down to the beach we hooked my ipod up to the car.

but on the way back up melissa's non-boyfriend-asshole blasted his negro music.

the time spent in huntington was wonderful.

i got to get some reading done,

walk out in the water to about my waist,

play with a frisbee,

dig holes,

stalk a SUPER HOT BOY with monica,

while flying our free hurley kites,

and watch motocross guys do unnecessarily dangerous stunts.

it was even overcast for the first half of the day.

(unnecessary amounts of beach pictures, including several of the supa hot boy)

it breaks my heart.

so my internet fa-reaked out last night.

and i'm uber upset about it,

why you ask?

because i was supposed to get on the internets

and do some video-type chatting

or text type chatting, 

either way i was totally down for it.

but yeah, as soon as i got home from yoga,

(which made me unable to move when i woke up this morning,)

i click-ity click on my ichat,

aaaand, i don't hear the "what up yo?"

that means that i've signed in.

medium story short.

i wasn't able to sign in until 9:4something.

which is like 11:4something in chicago.

don't quote me on that, i've never been good at time zone related things.

i was upset.

because natalie and caitlin are the most.

to say the least

the very least.

i'm going to go make a video now.

probably.

it's going to be about how my two obsessions have collided.

music, and buying random shit.

p.s.

don't do yoga, it fucked my shit up.

i've made up my mind, no need to think it over

so i haven't posted here in a while and i'm super upset about it.

between trying to make regular videos and the big move

(which was ridiculously more stressful than i originally thought)

well the move is technically over.

that is to say, i'm in victorville

some of my boxes are in the garage and some in the shed.

as far as my room, i'm in the room i had in high school.

which is painted white.

and my collage isn't up,

so it's incredibly bland.

in two weeks when the rents are on vacation 

i'll be painting the front room 

(it's bigger and has hardwood floors)

then i'll reassemble the fashion mag collage

then my youtube viewers will have something interesting to look at 

while i'm rambling away in my videos.

so there's that.

p.s. 

if my victorville friends are reading this,

then stop being bitches,

in case you didn't know,

(which those of you i've talked to claim you didn't)

i'm back in town and we need to hang out.

i love my parents and all, but hot damn.

i can only take so many stories about the crazy people on the price is right.

workin' 8:30 to 6:15, what a way to make a living.

i am officially in love with steven, from stevieproductions.

not in a would-want-to-date-or-have-sex-with-him kind of way.

but in a we-should-totally-be-internet-best-friends style.

that being said, if he ever reads this, i'll be forced to vehemently deny that i was the creator of this post.

f is for friends who do stuff together.

"idk, like i thought she'd be really cool
but then i found out she's bat-shit crazy.

Like, she looks like the kind of person
who sits in their room
& tapes shit to her face."

my friends are better than yours.


U is for you and me,

N is for anywhere and anytime at all, down here in the deep blue sea.


nuff said.

then we ate some orange tic-tacs after

my first non-official-but-still-getting-paid-for-it day was a non-tragedy

when they brought up the dress code and how we can't wear denim,

it was a little awkward because i was wearing banana republic jeans

excuse me, banana republic denim dress trousers

but apparently no matter how fancily you name them, you can't wear them to work

i'd be upset if they weren't the most fantastic pair of denim dress trousers i'd ever tried on.

i haven't said anything about it yet, 

but i might be going back to victorville

that's not true, 

i am for sure going back to victorville, 

but i'm not sure when

i know that i want to go back to be with my parents,

especially now that my dad's having all this weirdness with his diabetes.

and it also wouldn't hurt to be able to save up bunches of money in the process.

but i know that i can't stay for too long.

1) because i think living rent free for too long would ruin me

2) and because i can't watch then completely deteriorate

and i know that's gross and selfish, but it's the truth

i want to make some meaningful memories with them,

before i get too old and living at home is just sad, ha.

and that way i'll have good memories, when i think about living with them.

the whole situation was weird my senior year, 

i just wanted to get out, 

and they just wanted to spend all their time with me.

it wasn't exactly an evenly matched situation,

but if i go home to help out and all that jazz, 

then i'll be ale to enjoy time with them, 

and after a while i can come back.

this is made tricky by the fact i haven't had an official shift with banana republic yet,

and david already requested time off from forever 21 corporate for july.

so we'll see how things work out,

but i couldn't keep updating this thing without saying that.

every time i put up a new post i'd have to figure out a way to avoid the subject.

and then sitting here i realized that i started this whole thing so that i could be honest.

so i'm saying it now, and i'll update my departure plans in later posts.

don't think too hard, if you think it hurts that bad

desperate houswives had this weird lapse of judgement

for a few weeks after the writer's strike, hell even a little before

the show was going down hill and i was getting worried.

now, and i have no idea what happened, it's back and better than ever.

complete with:

evil-mastermind-child slapping.

fake pregnancies with real labor.

real pregnancies with fake labor.

and then poorly timed real labor.

mistaken identity.

dna testing.

child swapping.

and then the false child abuse accusations.

like it. love it. can't get enough of it.

p.s.

if you're bored we can totally chat it up

rogerleexoxo

aim it up bitches.

pictures of you...

1.  share something personal with your partner.

2.  lighten up; do an impression of a celebrity or a famous character.

3.  admit something that worries you, or something that you’re afraid of.

4.  who do you plan to be in ten years?

5.  tell your partner a secret.

you all can be my partner and visa versa, if you want you can leave you answer in the comments, if you can just tell me about them next time we talk and if you don't want to do that then this is still kinda fun to do on your own. 

all in the spirit of being more honest.

i'll go first

1. i secretly hope that the people who read this think that i'm at least a little fantastic.

2. i have to use a quote here since it's text; "and on the third day god created the remington bolt action rifle. so that man could fight the dinosaurs and the homosexuals."

3. i'm afraid that things won't work out for the best, the way people swear up and down that they will. and i desperately need them to.

4. someone with no regrets a 5 year old daughter, and an overflowing closet.

5. i really want to work at banana republic.

days will turn into to might night will turn into days, week, season, years.

i'm beyond excited,

so i didn't want to say anything until we knew more but me and tessa went to an open house on saturday

well we went to three, 

the only one worth mentioning was this adorable victorian-on-the-inside house

the whole upper level would belong to us and its' fantastic,

i'd stay in the parlor area with the walk-in closet 

something that has occupied my dreams for years

and there would still be two other bedroom left for tessa to use

since the parlor areas is quite larger than either of the other two rooms.

so this place is fantastic and we found out today that we're going to live there!

we go to sign the lease in just a bit and i'm more excited than i even thought possible.

suck on that california state university east bay dorms!