i'll believe it all

i'll be blogging here from now on.

see you there.

burnt deep into my brain

music just sounds better 

when the person who wrote the song 

is the one who's singing it.

99.999999999% of the time

the flowers you gave me are rotting

here is the deepest secret nobody knows,

here is the root of the root,

and the bud of the bud,

in the sky of the sky, of a tree called life,

which grows higher than any soul can hope, or mind can hide.

and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart.

your head is aching, i'll make it better...

you know how sometimes, 

you'll listen to a song (or an artist)

so often, or so many times through,

that you sing along quietly to yourself without even realizing it.

then that same song will become ridiculously popular,

and so it's played about a billion times,

on top of the countless times you've already heard it;

in your car, your room, on your ipod, wherever...

so you take a break from it,

and then one day, without meaning to,

you'll hear it again,

and realize that over all that time,

and all those plays,

you've forgotten how amazing it was,

and why you loved it so much in the first place.

that happened to me today,

for the first time in a long time;

and i forgot how much i love this feeling.

cause i love you more than i could ever promise,

and you take me the way i am.

chaque fois que tu ton va, je pretend que tu fais bien.

Il était une fois, nous étions un

Maintenant nous ne sommes plus, nous sommes des choses détachées

Votre baiser, je l'oublie

Je ne connais plus votre peau

Je ne dis plus votre nom

i should have taken french in high school.

you are SO sweet.

Dance Anthem of the 80s

we left home, and never looked behind

i am:

afraid,

fearful,

scared,

and terror-stricken.

i am terrified.

i am:

shaking,

flailing,

sinking,

and gasping for breath.

i am drowning.

i am:

broken,

damaged,

fragmented,

malfunctioning,

and cracked.

i am not okay.

every little bump in the road i tried to swerve

people are people, and sometimes, it doesn't work out.

on the road that is my life, 

it seems as though as soon as i fill one major pot hole

two smaller ones have a habit of popping up in it's place.

it's not to say that these new problems are insurmountable, 

but it's getting to the point 

where there are all these smaller holes keep cropping up,

too quickly to be filled it or avoided.

i'm not like other 19 year olds,

there are several reasons for this, 

the most immediate one as of late being:

that on any given morning,

instead of be woken up by the alarm on my phone,

there is a very real change that i'll be jolted awake

by the prods of my father,

telling me that my mother,

(who gave away her oxygen machine)

didn't wake up when he went in to talk to her that day.

or the panicked movement of my father,

informing me that my mom has had one of her blackouts,

only this time she didn't just hit a wall or the floor

but instead clipped a table or chair.

there's even the chance that neither one will be home,

and they'll have gotten into a car accident ,

(a scenario that seems more and more plausible as they approach 70)

one they simply couldn't walk away from.

because of the feasibility of any one of these situations, 

i have to be ready at any given moment,

to live my life without my them,

which means that these small pot holes,

become daunting and intimidating.

a long time ago

i became determined not to be blindsided by the loss of my parents.

as such i've been trying to mentally prepare,

but as they get older,

and i remain incapable of dealing with my issues;

i'm beginning to see that knowing it's coming,

and be ready for the events in question

are two very different things.

but instead of dealing with it out right,

my tactic of choice these days

seems to be avoidance.

i'm passing the flashing "END OF HIGHWAY" sign,

speeding past the "last exit"

and the only hope i have at this point

is that my road turns into a surface street

and doesn't just dead end.

p.s.

i never was very good with extended metaphors.

as such, i'll probably re-write this when i'm feeling more clear.

spoiler alert:

it'll probably be re-worked into a hyperbolic drowning sequence.

you belong with me.

those homos need to CUT. THE. SHIT.

this is the billionth time this year that i've had a fashion/accessory/bag epiphany,

i get this vision in my head of the PERFECT item and commence searching;

then while i'm scouring all my favorite sites i find it!

whatever i'm looking for, 

EXACTLY as i imagined it.

but it's ALWAYS d&g,

and is therefore about 1.5 million dollars.

damn those queers and their exquisite design aesthetic!

i need to get my happy ass on a game show or something.

maybe deal or no deal so i can lick my knuckles right before that germ-a-phoebe mandell fist bumps me.

i do NOT fist bump,

unless i get something out of it.

the tv's still on

if i were dying;

and my mother found out.

i would have to comfort her.

i love them with all my heart, 

with everything i have inside of me;

but my parents had no business being parents.

if you've seen no good at saying sorry then you know,

this is why grey's anatomy means so much to me.

we need to talk...

how long should i wait before i let you go?

whose side should i take when both of us are wrong?

whose eyes will you look in, when love is in your heart?

whose voice will serenade you to help you fall asleep?

just know that i love you,

even still,

even now,

even though we fell apart;

and i hope you'll be okay.

do you have any bones that need collecting?

so i'm nearsighted sometimes;

or so i'm told.

let's be honest;

i have no legitimate need for these jeans.

i figure i'm going to need more than one pair of spectacular spectacles,

probably.

juno?

no it's morgan freeman.

she knows what she did.

everyone knows the most delicious part of the muffin, is the top...

my muffin top is all that,

whole-grain low fat,

i know you want a piece of that,

but i just want to dance.

check checkin' out my sweet hips,

my sugar-coated berry lips,

i know you wanna get with this,

but i'm just here to dance.

so back up off of me,

you're weirding me ooouuuuut.

i'm an independent lady,

so do not try to play me,

i run a tidy bakery,

the boys all want my cake for free,

something something (rhymes with free),

then kiss my muffin top.

i'd burn the city down to show you the light.

MARK MY WORDS;

EVEN IF IT KILLS ME;

IF IT'S THE LAST THING I DO,

I WILL OWN THESE BOOTS!!!

who would you rather be?

-one-

starting monday morning

(six in the morning to be exact)

i am a visual merchandiser for forever21!!!

just typing that out is blowing my mind.

-two-

i bought this coat 

but it needs new buttons, 

because i love it;

but i'm not in love with it... yet.

i'll be going through my button collection for the next few days and we'll see what happens from there.

-three-

because this is a "good news, bad news" situation,

and you got the good stuff first.

it seems as though, 

just as everything has started to go right;

my mother has decided to purposely punish me for doing well outside of college.

more on that later...

i want loads of clothes,

i may have a small major problem.

seriously.

can't get my mind off of you.

1) i have my first "appointment to make-out" with someone, 

which is strange-exciting-weird-crazy-terrible-electrifying.

2) i love topman.

3) you knew that already, but i refuse to stop telling you about it or

4) showing what i buy each time.

5) did i mention i'm going back to SAN FRANCISCO 

(only for four days, BUT STILL)

6) i'm throwing in something i bought at forever21,

question: can purchases be practical and COMPLETELY ridiculous at the same time?

answer: in this instance, fuck yes they can.

p.s.

the reason i love those leggings is two fold.

a. just look at them

and b. wearing them (around my house) is like being naked, with less penis.

p.p.s.

don't worry jenny, 

that jacket is 100% polyurethane

p.p.p.s.

don't worry everyone else,

that's not as weird-awful as it sounds.

sunshine on the window makes me happy like i should be.

b: like and love are two very different ideas,

   i mean i like my skechers,

   but i love my prada backpack.

c: but i love my skechers?

b: that's because you don't have a prada backpack.

c: ohhh...

i'm a creep, and i'm a weirdo.

i've always thought that new year's resolutions where mostly bullshit,

i figure, if you want something to change, 

then you shouldn't need some number on a calendar 

to get you to participate in your life.

so last year i made several life resolutions

any time over the past year i've thought of things i want to change,

i'll make a mental note to insure i take steps towards a resolution;

at the end of last month i made a few wardrobe resolutions.

1. BOLD color choices 

  a) color blocking

  b) make sure to cover "the primaries"

2. STRUCTURE

  a) fitted blazers

  b) trench coats

  c) A CAPE 

and 3. ACCESSORIES

  a) scarves

  b) rosaries (i have a strange if not unfounded obsession with catseye rosaries)

  c) bags

since making said resolutions;

i've purchased: 

a burgundy cardigan, 

six scarves (green, red, orange, purple, white, and yellow),

heather grey and mahogany blazers,

a white flat collar shawl cardigan,

a casual herringbone jacket,

and a black and white patterned vest.

oh and these...

they are seven pair for 5.50 and i LOVE them

what a way to make living

i have been working a shit ton lately,

at least that's what it feels like.

i wake up two hours before my shift, 

whatever time that may be,

i work anywhere from 5 - 10 hours,

go home, 

make my usual stops on the interwebs, 

then go to sleep,

and 8 hours later is starts all over again.

it's like forever 21 owns my soul...

i wouldn't know i didn't read that contract they made me sign at orientation.

i wake up and you're gone,

i wake up and you're gone, 

the tv's still on,

so i sit, 

and i watch another rerun,

she is left all alone,

her lovers out to sea, 

and i can't help but feel,

that she is just like me.

and i gave all i could,

but it wasn't good enough,

and you said that you would be here before i woke up,

now you're gone.

i don't know why,

my heart still beats,

when i can't feel

anything.

cause i gave all i could,

but it wasn't enough,

and you said that you would be here before i woke up,

now you're gone, away

now you're gone, away.

why don't you take me with you?

come and take me with you.

come and take me with you.

come and take me with you.

cause i gave all i could 

but it wasn't good enough,

and you said that you would be here before i woke up,

now you're gone.

oh ohwoah oh

oh ohwoah oh

oh ohwoah ohhh, ah ah oh 

oh ohwoah oh

oh ohwoah oh

oh ohwoah ohhh, ah ah oh

oh ohwoah oh

oh ohwoah oh 

oh ohwoah ohhh, ah ah oh 

oh ohwoah oh

oh ohwoah oh

oh ohwoah ohhh, ah ah oh 

oh ohwoah oh

oh ohwoah oh

oh ohwoah ohhh

what makes my life so fucking fantastic

shut

the fuck

UP!

the future looks bright

maybe i'll blog everyday for the rest of march,.

not always with something amazing or profound,

but always something,

that way this time in my life isn't lost,

and i'll have some kind of record of what my life was like,

at the beginning of my time with forever 21;

because this has the potential to change my life,

it's why i haven't been posting,

or making videos, 

i need to put the whole of my concentration into this right now.

unfortunately that means i don't have a few hours to make a video that i'm proud of, and if i can't do that, then i refuse to do it halfway.

tomorrow i think i'll share with you "the saddest song in the world".

pee to the ess

i JUST got home from work.

i told you, this is kind of my life right now.

sorry, in advance

i gave all i could, but it wasn't good enough

i'm writing this now 

i'm writing this now 

only because, honestly 

i have no idea what to write as a follow up to the last post.

i find myself lying awake, just before i go to sleep,

listening to "the saddest song in the world",

and all i can do is think about what i wrote,

how i feel and all i can seem to think about.

i don't know what it is, 

but lately i just can't live in the "now"

it's borderline crippling.

don't get me wrong;

i love my new job,

i love my friends,

i love people i work with kind of, mostly,

and i know that things could be a lot worse,

but i DESPISE "it could be worse"

by that logic, anything can sound good,

you have all these people telling you just think,

if that truck had merged a half a second earlier you could be dead,

well, if it had merged a half a second later i could be living in my studio apartment,

working at my dream job in san francisco.

so please no "it could be worse"

it is how it is.

i guess i just need some time to adjust;

this january made it a full year,

and it's taking a whole lot longer than i bargained for.

on the bright side,

now i can finally blog about something,

without worrying about a weird segway.

question, tell me what you think about this

what happens when i find him?

the guy who's sweet and thoughtful,

with his dark hair and light in his eyes.

then what happens if he loves me back?

we love all the same songs,

and hate things in the same ways.

then what happens if he decides i'm not enough,

we're not enough,

or worse, what if something horrible happens to him?

what do i do then?

who am i afterwards?

how do i get better, once i've had the best?

and finally,

is it crazy to miss a place that you've never been?

because i do;

it's all i can think about,

and some days, it's the only thing that keeps me sane.